Parenting help

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Parenting help

Post by newleaf on Thu Aug 05, 2010 7:10 pm

I am just asking for prayer to be a better parent to my child. I am hoping to see a Christian counselor about it.
I have a hard time getting her to put toys away and obey me and am upset with her behaviour. Today I said Mom needs you to sit down and be quiet while i ask Mrs J a few questions. She did the opposite. Yelling making noise etc. I am thinking this is ADHD dont know.If its not then it is really bad behavior. I dont know what to do. I am feeling like a failure!

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Re: Parenting help

Post by Angelwings on Thu Aug 05, 2010 8:48 pm

Can I ask how old she is?

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Re: Parenting help

Post by newleaf on Fri Aug 06, 2010 8:54 am

5

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Re: Parenting help

Post by Angelwings on Fri Aug 06, 2010 10:00 am

First of all, Your not a failure! I dont know how many kids you have, but what I've learned from my two children is....ALL kids are different and need to be disciplined differently. I think its just hard for some of us parents to know the proper way to deal with them right away, it's a learning process ( at least for me). So your not a failure....she is still young, she is at that stage where she is maturing from being a toddler. even though she knows better she still need direction. She needs you!!
I have a 6 year old son and he's a hand full. My daughter is older and everything I learned with her at 5 yrs old went out the window with my son. I need A LOT more patience with him...he challenges me, questions our discipline (he's very vocal)...always bouncing off the walls. Its hard and I feel just out of my wits sometimes but I've learned that he really needs me in a different way than my daughter did at that age. And I have to learn that.

I hope you can find someone of faith to counsel you and give you some advice..I know sometimes I have to ask for help too. Thats what makes you a good mommy. I'll be praying for you and your little girl.

OH, when nephew was that age the teachers were telling my sister in law he had ADHD, but she wouldn't except it. She decided to home school him and he grew out of his behavior. I'm not telling you to home school or totally ignore other peoples advice, it just goes back to the statement I made about knowing their needs. With my nephew...he needed that one on one teaching, and patience (that my sister in law was blessed with LOL).

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Re: Parenting help

Post by Cholette on Fri Aug 06, 2010 11:11 am

I don't know why, but that whole lable that we have adopted about our children being ADHD doesn't sit well with me. Children are children, some are active and some aren't AS active.

When my son was little, he was a little boy that loved to get into everything. One day it just came to me to take him to the park and I did. he ran and ran and ran untl he was tired. I realized that the reason why he was chomping at the bit and getting into everything was because he was trapped in the house with me most of the day...or in the car.

Times have changed. When we were little, we went outside to play so we were able to exert our energy. These days our children stay inside because of predators and it's just not safe out there anymore without us being in sight.

As far as her behaviour and acting out, it begins in the crib. I've always been a disciplinarian and I exercised my authority when he was in the crib because they manipulate you early on. I've adopted "the look" and my son understood it and complied...even to this day and he's almost 20 yrs old.

I agree with Anglewings...you are not a failure. It's not too late to get your authority back. You have to put some authority in your voice...not anger. you have to speak with your eyes when you look at her and say what you mean and follow through. Tell her that if she doesn't sit still she will have to go to her room or she will lose a priviledge. If she doesn't obey...FOLLOW THROUGH...with what you said. It may take a while to get the message through to her that you are NOT playing, but she will eventually get it.

I believe in spankings...many people don't. Not BEATINGS, but swats on the bottom when they are not doing what they know to do. I'm not suggesting that to you if you don't believe in it because whenever I mention that everyone's minds go straight to abuse and I'm not talking abuse so PLEASE, I dont' want anyone to respond with a debate. Swats/spankings work...in my opinon...ask my brother who got them all of the time...


Do not fight FOR victory, but fight FROM THE PLACE of victory. Jesus has ALREADY won the battle!

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Re: Parenting help

Post by lola21st on Fri Aug 06, 2010 12:12 pm

Gosh, Cholette, I read your post and started wondering how I posted that in my sleep because you've said EVERYTHING that I was about to say... lol!

AW, I totally agree with you too...my sons are COMPLETELY different personalities. My older son could easily be redirected and only had to be told once (ok, 2x at most) to do/not do something. My younger son is much more active, social, high energy - and has a MUCH shorter attention span. He's not ADD, just an active child who interacts with his environment through physical interaction primarily - in other words, he needs to be moving and physically engaged with something, he learns by doing. And he needs structure. So I have to approach him quite differently than I do my older son.

The only thing that I would add is the following:

You have to put some authority in your voice...not anger.

I've found that when I don't shout/scream but speak slowly, calmly yet very firmly (ok, there is a bit of tension in my voice so that he understands that if he pushes that final button, he'll regret it.... lol! ), he responds to that (probably because he can't gauge what my next move may be and doesn't want to risk the next step).

I also can't emphasize enough the follow through. If you don't follow through on the punishment that you promised, she will think that she can play you like a fiddle. And the other thing I've found is to make sure the punishment is related to their most favorite toy, activity, tv show, video, etc. The mere thought that he might not get to watch a favorite tv show or play a video game usually is enough to get him to obey. But this came over time, it didn't happen overnight. Consistency is key.

The other thing is related to spankings. I'm totally on board with spankings but I only spank in two circumstances:

1) If I told him he would get a spanking, he will get it but I'll talk to him first to make sure he understands what he did, why it was wrong, and help him problem solve to figure out how he can handle a situation next time to make sure he doesn't get punished. Then I spank him, but it's controlled spanking - this is more for my benefit than for his, if I spank him while I'm angry, it's not a good thing for either of us because I'm likely to go too far - not CPS/abusive too far, just regretful.

2) To help him get back into his right mind. That sounds funny but sometimes he gets so riled up and caught up in the moment that he hears me but it doesn't register that he needs to take action. In those moments, he gets one solid swat on the rump and a "I said stop" (or whatever it is that I've told him to do). This type of spank doesn't occur frequently so that when he receives it, he knows I mean business.

I have a book about Christian discipline but can't remember the name. If I find it over the weekend, I'll post it.

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Re: Parenting help

Post by newleaf on Fri Aug 06, 2010 7:45 pm

you guys are the best we had a better day! She went to a party and had a lot of fun and I caught a frog! (which I let go )

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Re: Parenting help

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