Inadequacy-someone I loved said Im not attractive enough and never was

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Inadequacy-someone I loved said Im not attractive enough and never was

Post by cbvirtuous on Sat Jun 26, 2010 12:22 am

This is a situation Ive only spoken to a few about on here. Sorry for length. I am coming out of something and having a very rough time with it. Someone I was involved with over 2 years, suddenly told me they did not want to see me anymore, be a part of my sons life (iam a single parent) before he even met my son, because I am not his preference/type. He used to tell me since we met how beautiful I was. Hed never pressure me physically, but always seemed to have a strong spirit of lust I noticed. One night I told him I didnt want to be physical with him after he told me he was serious about us, after we had some ups and downs. I had been abstinent since the birth of my son, 8 years and me and this man engaged twice, after which I made the decision to stop. After the second time, he informed me he had been abstinent all his life and was assaulted one day sexually and after that, decided to give up since he had carried condemnation of giving in when it wasnt his fault. I felt conviction about our engaging and decided months later to stop bc it was draining me. He assisted me in moving one night in rain and sleet all himself, and was wonderful but we began to get close and I halted it. I said no, no, no, in the nicest way I could to stop it from going "all the way" and I pulled away saying we both have to do whats pleasing to God now. He was triggered and stormed out saying I made him feel he was trying to rape me. After this, he told me in a flood of words, I may never see him again, that I wasnt attractive enough for him anyway, and my son didnt need someone like him in his life. This brought me much grieving in my spirit. Over the next few months all he expressed was anger toward me. Id let go, but he would continue to call and contact me but would always say, he didnt want a relationship. I didnt always show love, I was very angry sometimes bc I felt mad inside and taken for granted.
I found out he was abused physically, verbally by his father as a child and in adult life and suffered from a sexual addiction (like his father) while we were seeing each other and I worked hard to forgive him spiritually. I was devastated bc its like discovering a whole other person you didnt know in so many ways.

Since then in an ironic twist, he has grown to confide in me who he is and came to the realization he is in a deep hole, dark place, backslidden and lost. He said he wants to love himself, doesnt know how, and wants to find God but all the "methods" he's tried havent worked. He tells me he loves my spirit and is sorry for his past treatment and hurting me, that he loves me and I am one of 2 people closest to him and he wants to be friends, and isnt angry at me. But he keeps saying, I am everything morally, spiritually and personality wise he could want in someone and wants me to help him with his walk, always asking me to help him with the way he thinks. He still holds to the only reason we arent involved is because I am not pretty enough for him. I asked him to be honest with me and he says all the times he said I was beautiful, he was lying. Now he has no reason to lie, because we arent involved physically or romantically. I ask him if he thinks I am ugly, because it hurts so much, and he says, you are not beautiful to me, you are somewhere between just above ugly and just under very pretty. so not ugly but not very pretty if ugly is a 0 and very pretty is 10, you are somewhere between 1 and 9. I started to cry, because no one has ever made me feel that self-conscious and he says, I dont wanna hurt you anymore, really, you asked me to be honest and then it makes you upset and I am really sorry and Ive never been this honest with any woman before. He seems so genuine, it makes it worse.

I just dont understand. Guys approach me, and hit on me, and I dont like that sort of attention and the one person I cared for, for a long time says Im not enough. He knows I get hit on and I am a former model, I gave it up when I found the Lord. I am still in entertainment industry in music and arts where people praise you for the wrong things but Iam private, shy and modest. I dont know if he says it bc he gets off knowing where to hit me and why he would want to if hes not mad anymore or if he really does mean it bc he keeps saying hes being honest. Now I know of a girl who is infatuated with him he met online, he's not committed to in anyway and comes to visit him after 4 months and stays with him for a week at a time, having sex with him and she always talks of the Lord and she lives across the country and he seems to be into her periodically despite distance. I know he bragged to a mutual friend the first time she visited him that she slept with him almost everyday for a week and he compared it to mating like rabbits and insulting her body and stretch marks from childbirth, then he broke it off with her citing distance and she soon as she moved on going through the mud missing him, after a month of them talking again, she booked a flight, came right back again and played house again for a week and repeated it all last month. Now it seems he got over the stretch marks, distance and all. It seems she is more his type, brunette, pretty girl. I am african american and irish. I feel inadequate and rejection, when he says those things to me and I tried to do the righteous Godly thing by no sexual sin and repenting and repenting for him and he knows it but it got me nowhere, whereas she may blindly think he has no real issues or other involvements and doesnt hold herself back from him sexually at all and he respects and likes her MORE it seems.

I dont really understand bc he told me he doesnt even like it when women are too physical with him like that...??? She eminates one of those very loving spirits when I would get angry sometimes at him for treating me wrongly. Sometimes I feel its her loving spirit and her being his type that overrides her sexual behavior, whereas I didnt always show love. Its baffling to me, because I always felt so convicted the few times we were physical. It hurts me so much for him that women dont know his issues or past or addiction and sex becomes phony intimacy, he doesnt need that, it enables him. I am not trying and dont want to judge her, but I dont understand, bc my heart always felt convicted and I wanted to cover him but she went for it like romance movies and he is hooked into her now all around it seems. I often think he will marry her despite it all bc she is so sweet despite his saying he would like someone not sexual with him and that shed sleep with him just meeting him in person for almost every day of the week with not even a committment let alone marriage. Boy that hurts.

When I do agree to be just friends, he hints to me he romanticizes me but still holds that hes fighting it because Im not his preference. We talked two days ago and he's asked me several times to stay in his life as friends and asked me to think about it and let him know but I dont think I can. He told me he knows he is shallow and to please help him bc he knows he thinks wrong and is critical bc his father was of him. I cannot take the hurt from all this even though he asks me to help minister to him and says Iam one of two closest people in his life and everything good for him besides attractive enough. I am ok with him not wanting to be with me, bc he has a lot of spiritual work to do, and God help her, she has no clue, but not for those reasons...not pretty enough. I just wish it wasnt true he sees me that way. I dont think I am just above ugly. He said I am "different" looking and even if he was sanctified and in the spirit it would never change for him. I see people as beautiful and not critically. Hes asked to see me in person to spend time as friends, but I cant look at him. I know he is sick, I dont judge him, I do love him but it hurts badly none the less bc this girl sleeps with him like nothing and it makes no sense to me he left me alone when I stopped physical contact. He is nice to her and sweet and makes effort for her he didnt do with me, but just hasnt committed probably bc of the long distance. I thought I was respecting him properly but he seems to connect with this girl. She is a sweet person, and he let her go once, then they are on again, but he cant seem to stay away from her and her staying with him, waiting for him to get off work, playing house, and sleeping with him, seems to draw him closer in really liking her...?? I am baffled by doing right, that I am one of his best friends he says, always there and my spirit and covering him wasnt enough. I feel horrible everytime I see his "type". I need some encouragement. I just wish it wasnt true he thinks of me that way. I wish he was lying about it bc it doesnt add up for me I dont see why he would lie to me for two years if he wasnt attracted to me at all.


Last edited by cbvirtuous on Sun Jun 27, 2010 9:32 pm; edited 2 times in total

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Re: Inadequacy-someone I loved said Im not attractive enough and never was

Post by traveller on Sat Jun 26, 2010 1:16 am

Hi,
I'm sorry to hear about your pain. Very understandable, especially because you've loved him. However, you have honoured God in many ways, amongst them in keeping celibacy towards this guy, and He knows that! God says He honours who honour Him.
Apart from that, you are a daughter of the Most High and therefore beautiful and the apple of His eye. NO ONE can take that away from you, in particular not someone who has the obvious signs of being hurt himself and acting from that. It sounds like he's manipulating and lying to you to just get to you because he doesn't understand/doesn't like the Spirit you live in and act from. I think you've been very courageous for standing up for your beliefs and standing strong! But do NOT start believing this guy's lies and manipulations, you know better than that. I'm praying for you and I'm sure there will be others on here too. God bless you sister!
huggins

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Re: Inadequacy-someone I loved said Im not attractive enough and never was

Post by cbvirtuous on Sat Jun 26, 2010 1:26 am

Oh gosh thank you. Its very hard not to believe him, because he keeps apologizing and saying he is just trying to be honest for once. I was one of those ackward teenagers, tall and lengthy and it brings up alot of old feelings of rejection and inadequacy. He was the first I really trusted to just "be myself" around, not feeling like I had to be miss model, and on all the time like others who had been in my life...the irony is what hurts most.

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Re: Inadequacy-someone I loved said Im not attractive enough and never was

Post by traveller on Sat Jun 26, 2010 1:43 am

I understand, in particular the feelings of rejection. And they're hard ones..however like you said, they're a result of old hurt(s). I'm not sure if you've brought that pain/hurt before our Heavenly Dad but ask Him to heal you from those old wounds/feelings that are (re)surfacing now. Every time it comes up..go to Him, open up to Him, cry to Him, whatever you feel you need to do to be in His presence, but give those feelings of being rejected and feeling inadequate to Him and receive His LOVE. Believe me, have been there myself, and it's not an easy one, but all things are possible with Him. He Loves You. As you are.

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Re: Inadequacy-someone I loved said Im not attractive enough and never was

Post by Cholette on Sat Jun 26, 2010 4:39 am

I agree with Traveller...it's time to go to God and receive your healing and pour your heart out to Him.

I also want to add...RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!!! I would shut down ALL ties to this guy IMMEDIATELY! He is playing games with you CBvirtuous...He really is. I'm not saying that he isn't really looking for someone to help him, but YOU are NOT his answer. It's time to pack up your "bags" and leave him alone...I'm so serious.

You have an 8 year old child who needs his mother to be as whole as possible. How can you be that if you are going to someone who is subtracting from you? I always live by this..."if they aren't adding to me, it's time to go". You could be pouring into someone and encouraging them, but it still adds to you...it gives you a sense of pleasure, but when you are pouring into someone and they take from your esteem and roll over you like this guy is doing, THAT IS NOT GOD!!

The enemy is using him to play games with you. It's not about that other young lady, it's not about him...this is about YOU. YOU have to make the decision for YOU and for your son. This guy has major issues and I understand where he's coming from with being sexually violated as a child because I was too. It brings a lot of internal pain and damage that ONLY GOD can fix. You can't do that for Him. He's using his condemnation and taking it out on you...why sit there and let him do that? IT's not about your looks...it's never been about that...HURTING PEOPLE, HURT PEOPLE. He didn't see you turning him down for sex as a "spiritual decision", he saw it as rejection. So to shield himself from being hurt any further, he turned around and tried to hurt you.

Why take on someone elses false identity of you? It's not worth it. If I were you, no matter how much it hurts right now, it's time for you to run and cut off all communication with him. Don't see it as "him" per se...see it as you cutting off ties with the enemy. He's being used to tear you down by the enemy. Your fight is NOT against flesh and blood, but against principalities, demons and spiritual wickedness in high places. Please, please, please...don't have that "abused woman" syndrome where she knows she's being abused, but continues to stay in it only to suffer more. You are above this because you are seated in heavenly places with your Heavenly Father.

Yes, it's time to heal...Yes, it's time to run to the arms of your Heavenly Father so he can heal you. The only way this can happen is if you run to Him while running away from this guy. I promise you that you will feel better and God will restore the esteem that you lost while being in connection with this guy. It is NOT your fault! This situation has NOTHING to do with you! Run girl...RUN!!!!!


Do not fight FOR victory, but fight FROM THE PLACE of victory. Jesus has ALREADY won the battle!

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Re: Inadequacy-someone I loved said Im not attractive enough and never was

Post by Dove-Solutions on Sat Jun 26, 2010 6:15 am

I am in totally agreement with Cholette. I have seen this type of situation over and over and it is best to just leave. Go to the Father and lay it before him. Do not pick it back up though. Lay all your concerns before him, all your pain and heartache. Lay it down and walk away. But like Cholette my advice is to RUN!! I am praying all goes well with you. You are a beautiful woman of God and all things are possible through him.

Love in Jesus,

Connie


~Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not to your own understanding, in all your ways acknowledge Himand He will direct your path.~ Proverbs 3:5-6

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Re: Inadequacy-someone I loved said Im not attractive enough and never was

Post by cbvirtuous on Sat Jun 26, 2010 1:51 pm

Thanks everyone for your comments. Sorry for letting all this out this way. This has been like having a rug pulled from underneath me, and I am still dazed and disoriented. I wanted to reply to your comments. To update, Terry came by this morning to talk after work duty (he's Navy). I hadnt seen him face to face since march. I was not heated or angry, it was very cordial. I asked him to look at me in my eyes and tell the truth. He said, I have issues, and I do want to change. He said, I dont think you are a different woman, I know you are. I asked for your help, because I trust you with the things I tell you and no other person knows all these bad things about me Ive done and Iam. I want you in my life but I wont beg if you want to go. So I asked him again, standing in front of me this time, "when you look at me Terry, do you really believe the things you've said, you are not angry anymore, its been months, so just be honest now." And he says, "yes. Im not trying to hurt you. I dont think you are hideous or ugly but when I see you I cant help it, the things I said were true. I did lie for two years when id say you are beautiful all those times" I asked him if he thinks its because his mind is screwed up, because it just doesnt make sense:( He says, "Yes, thats possible, because if you were my mind's ideal I would want us to work things out and stop all of this I do. I know its hard to believe me but I really dont like making you cry or hurting you" I told him LOVE is NOT about LOOKS and he says, "I know, I dont know why I am this kind of a man. Im not trying to do it to you on purpose." I told him "if you really love me you could say, I want God to help me see her as He does, there are men that may say, God help me love her right, teach me how beyond shallowness. Because shes the best thing in my life." He says, "there is part of me that wants that but its not so much if I desire to with you, or if you mean enough, its that Iam not sure that I 'can' see you different. Im a shallow a-hole."
So I asked him if thats partly why he's elicited my help spiritually to try to learn how to love me, and he said "I want help all around but yes maybe thats a part of it because if part of me didnt want to learn to see you different I wouldnt be trying so hard to keep you in my life. Right now, there isnt any woman in my life I want to committ to so thats not the issue here, there's no potential girlfriends, or me falling in love, I lie to them, this is what I do, I did it before I met you, you werent the first. I tell women what they want to hear so they stick around, bc I like the physical affection, they get caught up, but then, I do not want to be with them. They dont really know me deeply. I feel nothing, numb, even if theyre nice and I enjoy their company, I like that but I just detach and they attach and either become very infatuated and/or purely engage in sexual stuff with me. You never wanted that and you know me now better than anyone in the world next to my best friend. Ive been completely honest with you about my lies, and who Iam. I never lie about lying (that threw me off there some) I dont hold our past sexual mistakes against you or our ups and downs, Id be a hypocrite. I know your relationship and faith in God is real and active now."

In that way I know you guys are right, its not about this other girl to him, shes another girl caught up but my heart isnt believing that bc she seems so sweet, Godly and so pretty its still hard for me to fathom he isnt truly into her even beyond sexually accept for the distance being the factor. Maybe its just hard for me to accept the reality he is really this way no matter who it is. He said "I understand if you never want to see me again but I do love you, intimately, I wish I could fix myself so I wouldnt hurt you anymore". I asked him if it was the assault (almost 15 years ago, the woman was an older beautiful white brunette (exactly his type he idealizes) who wanted his virginity and it was reverse rape and she had no remorse) that may have done this to him, and he said, "yes definitely, he wanted to wait til marriage and she took that and more, because I dont really have the ability to feel anymore. I am open to changing and to work on myself, but I dont know if I can ever see you the way I should." I asked him if its that I am black, and he wouldnt answer. I told him, if thats why, its not unimaginable, lots of people have those hangups, but he wouldnt say. He started getting paranoid about my little boy waking up and seeing him for the first time, and he insisted he should go, because. Kept saying his father had done that to him multiple times disappearing. He had such a migraine he told me he couldnt think straight and was so tired he looked like he was gonna fall over. He was in no position to drive across town like that, but he was being so stubborn he slept an hour and barely able to stand up straight wanted to drive. I asked him to just sleep longer, he works 4pm to 5am. I didnt have any aspirin but he was so bent on getting out before my son woke up, he couldnt take it. It was like he was panicking. But he said no and that he was triggered by being with me in the apartment. He said he wanted to be affectionate so he wanted to respect me more and just go.

I also believe it wasnt about my son being affected by never seeing him again if he woke up, it was the other way around. Anyway he hugged me and I held back tears. And he kept saying, "just help me. Be my friend right now. I really dont want you to leave my life bc Im not leaving you. I dont want to hurt you anymore or ever hurt Ty (my son)." Its hard to be angry at him AND let him go bc I know who he was and who God intended on him to be and God has told me he is working on his heart 3 or 4 times and Terry will come back to the Father, but that doesnt mean, he will be restored with me as well. This is a man who was once motivated for God , and wanted to bring the Spirit to anywhere he was, a man who has a circle of mutual friends of God fearing men back home who have no idea hes in such a dark place, since we met almost 3 years ago and after enlisting, he seems to have gotten so much worse. I wanted to share what happened this morning.

-C
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Traveler: It sounds like he's manipulating and lying to you to just get to you because he doesn't understand/doesn't like the Spirit you live in and act from. I think you've been very courageous for standing up for your beliefs and standing strong! But do NOT start believing this guy's lies and manipulations, you know better than that.

Ok, so you see why its hard for me to think he is manipulating me after this morning? He seems so genuine, like he really cant help seeing me as not pretty enough. I wish it was manipulation and lying because at least that would make sense. I know in my heart Im enough because God says i am and that beauty is in a meek and quiet spirit and a virtuous woman, but it also suggests in Solomon, a man should enjoy his love's beauty. Right? So if its not true I should believe that, it hurts worse bc he cant delight in my beauty. I dont know if its a lie or not, bc he seems so real now about everything.

Traveler: I understand, in particular the feelings of rejection. And they're hard ones..however like you said, they're a result of old hurt(s). I'm not sure if you've brought that pain/hurt before our Heavenly Dad but ask Him to heal you from those old wounds/feelings that are (re)surfacing now.

This is true, and something I never pondered laying down to the father. Growing up, I was the ackward, tall lean, thin adolescent who was nitpicked alot or had so called friends whod say mean things even when i did get glammed up. So those are old hurts, but it was always one extreme or the other. I started modeling in 4th grade, so on the other side, being young, there was always the praise and having to keep it up and as I got older, there was the industry and that praise continued, and if I wanted to be bare and plain one day, it was like people expected me to be on all the time. This has continued through my life with males and females. The men who look at you like meat or an alien creature to snack on and the women who mean well but are in the flesh and esteem vanity. I went through a period last few years of just hating glamour and being a "specimen", and so many friends around me and coworkers would say dont you like wearing heavier makeup anymore? you have great features and this and that,let me do your makeup. Or dont you wanna do your hair like this?, like more pizazz?, or to get back into modeling and stuff or dress less plain? You are being scared of the industry, is that it? Afraid of success? I was just tired of it all, it wasnt that I forgot how to do it all, I didnt FEEL like it anymore, and I started turning down acting and modeling jobs and I couldnt figure out why, then I dropped out of the it all to focus on God other than music jobs here and there that involved writing and recording. So yes, these are things I do need to lay down, resurfacing because Terry is the one person, I didnt feel I had to be on for over the 2 years.

Cholette: (I really love you and everyone here, its like becoming family you can lean on, true bethren in Christ...getting teary:) )
...also want to add...RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!!! I would shut down ALL ties to this guy IMMEDIATELY! He is playing games with you CBvirtuous...He really is....This guy has major issues and I understand where he's coming from with being sexually violated as a child because I was too. It brings a lot of internal pain and damage that ONLY GOD can fix. You can't do that for Him. He's using his condemnation and taking it out on you...why sit there and let him do that? IT's not about your looks...it's never been about that...HURTING PEOPLE, HURT PEOPLE. He didn't see you turning him down for sex as a "spiritual decision", he saw it as rejection.

Ok, the idea is so hard for me because I want to believe he is playing games, but Im not so sure he is with me especially after this morning especially. He seems so honest about his opinion, admitting he maybe just utterly screwed up in his views of my looks being the deal breaker. Either way, intentional games would be more comforting. Ive had the angry rejected guy who says mean stuff, but Terry just doesnt seem angry anymore. I admire your honesty about being violated, so I 100% trust you understand the mindsets that can come with that. This condemnation he takes out on me you speak of...I dont understand that concept and Im trying to bc he isnt acting angry at all anymore. Why is it with me, the one person he is closest to and knows is good for him and will cover him, God fearing and reverent, the one he's taking it all out on? Its like because we are so close, he cant tolerate the intimacy Cholette? Is this on purpose?
YES he saw it as rejection that night but behaved as though I was fighting off a rapist, triggering his assault trauma, which wasnt true, and he is far from that. I told him it wasnt rejection when all the "truth" about his feelings he divulged came out. But that was months ago, so why now, is he still be holding onto these things about my looks if he isnt angry anymore? Coming from someone who has experienced that kind of trauma, I value your answers very much. Please bear with me, I feel like I got hit by a truck and ejected somewhere off the road.

It just came to me the rest of what you wrote: "He's being used to tear you down by the enemy. Your fight is NOT against flesh and blood, but against principalities, demons and spiritual wickedness in high places." This grieves me even moreso, bc it really means it isnt his fault, he's being used... and I just want him delivered from it. I really do. He had training for navy security and told me he has to carry a weapon, and the first few days after training, the enemy kept sending him thoughts of 'you could just take it right now and blow your head off, since you're worthless and sorry.' He said he knew those werent his thoughts. Oh its painful, and thats why I dont want to put him out of my life, I dont wanna be angry at him, or sucked into that "cycle", I just want Terry sanctified again, healed, that his family loves and I loved.

Dove Solutions: Go to the Father and lay it before him. Do not pick it back up though. Lay all your concerns before him, all your pain and heartache. Lay it down and walk away. But like Cholette my advice is to RUN!! I am praying all goes well with you. You are a beautiful woman of God and all things are possible through him.

The dilemna for me has been, he wont open up to anyone, he wont talk to our friends, his family, or even my counselor who he knows is waiting for him to call. He keeps saying he wants me to walk with him through this, but this is what a girlfriend, a fiancee or a wife would do in my opinion. I feel vulnerable because even if I help lead him to the Father, and study the scriptures with him or even lead him to a pastor or my counselor, its my heart that struggles with, if he does come back to the Father, and I know he will, because God has confirmed this to me over and over, I just dont know how or when, me removing him from my life is a painful loss, but if he stays in my life, that part of me that feels that rejection doesnt want to come out of it and he still cant see me the right way sanctified or not, because he just cant. God hasnt promised me at this time, he'd restore us. Ive prayed if God could blind his eyes to his flesh then make them new toward me while he restores him, like Jesus healed the blind man. If I run and cut him out of my life, its because my heart doesnt want to be hurt if he cant see me the right way. Thank you for saying I am a beautiful woman of God.


Last edited by cbvirtuous on Sun Jun 27, 2010 9:55 pm; edited 11 times in total

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Re: Inadequacy-someone I loved said Im not attractive enough and never was

Post by cbvirtuous on Sat Jun 26, 2010 1:53 pm

I hope you guys dont think Im as dysfunctional as I probably come off, lol with my ranting. I feel good stripping bare with you all and confessing my burdens, sin and mess in my life. Ive never gone thru anything like this in my personal life and Ive seen alot of miracles and trials and I love the Lord,Iam always the one helping my friends and others,the ear, and their shoulder, but this hits home for me personally like nothing Ive ever walked through for some reason.

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Re: Inadequacy-someone I loved said Im not attractive enough and never was

Post by SCGirlyGrl on Sat Jun 26, 2010 4:16 pm

CB, often times that is the beginning of the healing process, just to let it all out. Once you can verbalize all that is pent up inside you, you can begin to deal with it.

I can understand in many ways where you are comming from. I dated a guy for 3 years. He professed he loved me, he was active in church. Yet, I wasn't good enough for him. I wasn't enough for him.

He would tell me that I was ugly, and then turn around and say he wanted to marry me. He didn't mind having me do sexual things to him, and he would tell me I was pretty during that, but after it was over, he would tell me that it was my fault, that he had sinned. He couldn't be with a woman who was weak spiritually as I was, he wasn't going to carry me around, etc. Yet, I kept doing it because I craved those times when he told me I was beautiful.

CB, I tell you all of that to say that I understand in many ways where you are coming from.

I agree with the ladies on here. You need to RUN, and RUN FAST away from this man. It's not about what he did or didn't do. It's about YOU. It's about you comming to the father and letting him heal your heart and your spirit. It's about you seeing who you are, and how he created you, and accepting that and loving what makes you u. I still have times that I struggle with that. I have a hard time seeing what others see in me, and I know that part of it is the mind trip that guy sent me on.

Yet, the Lord is good, and one day I was in the grocery store, and I picked up an orchid to take home with me. A guy told me that the plant was glad to be going home with me. I looked at him like he was a freak. I turned my head back to the plant, and for a split second, the Lord allowed me to see how radiant it was when I touched it. It glowed. The Lord used that to show me how I radiated to others, and others are glad to be around me and near me.

You have so much beauty inside of you. Focus on the Lord and allow Him to be the lover of your soul and bring that out in you. When the right man comes along for you, he will pick up in the flesh, and continue to bring out the best in you as a woman.

There are hard times in love, but it's not supposed to be abusive like that. It's not supposed to tear down your self esteem and make you feel bad. God will honor your faithfulness to him.

I hope I wasn't to long winded, and that what I've said has been a help to you.

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Re: Inadequacy-someone I loved said Im not attractive enough and never was

Post by Cholette on Sat Jun 26, 2010 5:48 pm

CBVirtuous...you are NOT his Messiah. You CANNOT help him when you need help yourself. I don't mean to sound rough, but that's my way of getting points across and it's all done in love. The whole conversation you had with him this morning was about you trying to drag out of him that he didn't mean what he said about your looks. Why do you care about how he sees you? Why don't you go to the word of God, which is the real mirror (2 Cor 3) and find out how GOD sees you?

Out of the mouth of two or three, let every word be established. Majority of the responses here has said that it's time for you to run. Like I mentioned before, YOU DON'T HAVE HIS ANSWER...but for some reason you feel as if you do. He's being VERY honest with you however you are not being honest with YOU.

No one here can force you to do anything that you don't want to do, but it's evident that you care about this man because after sleeping with someone...even though it was only a couple of times, there is some emotional attachment. All I can say is, the picture is clearer looking from the outside in and there are some red flags here. The best thing you can do for him is to intercede from a distance.

Do what you feel you need to do...
Blessings and peace...


Do not fight FOR victory, but fight FROM THE PLACE of victory. Jesus has ALREADY won the battle!

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Re: Inadequacy-someone I loved said Im not attractive enough and never was

Post by cbvirtuous on Sat Jun 26, 2010 6:17 pm

I know I do not have his answers, only God does. I think I just wish he was lying and being manipulative like it was suggested, because its more painful than if he really does see me that way. It was over two years of him saying the opposite, is why. I know the truth is in God's word, its just Terry's spirit, I was apparently good enough initially when we met.

Its just hurtful if he is being that honest-it makes it real. I can take all the addiction, the promiscuity and even us not being together because of where he is spiritually, it sheds so easy for me but lies about how he saw me and the very reasons I was with him to begin with cut very deeply. As a woman, it does for some reason, Im not so sure why I wish it was anything else but that. My mistakes, our ups and downs, but not something so shallow.


Last edited by cbvirtuous on Sun Jun 27, 2010 9:58 pm; edited 3 times in total

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Re: Inadequacy-someone I loved said Im not attractive enough and never was

Post by cbvirtuous on Sat Jun 26, 2010 6:29 pm

[quote="SCGirlyGrl"]CB, often times that is the beginning of the healing process, just to let it all out. Once you can verbalize all that is pent up inside you, you can begin to deal with it.

I can understand in many ways where you are comming from. I dated a guy for 3 years. He professed he loved me, he was active in church. Yet, I wasn't good enough for him. I wasn't enough for him. /quote]

Thank you for that, I suppose I am letting it all out and me verbalizing it all. Its a process, huh. Im still in the 'is this seriously happening, he's got to be testing me right now, or bluffing or confused and everything is in slow motion' part. Someone said, their partner could not carry them when they were spiritually weak. This is something I was in points in our involvement and its so true because you are not understanding them and their processing initially. Sometimes understanding brings peace, sorting through it and laying it down bit by bit in Gods grace. I dont wish to wear anyone out on here with words guys, its just all coming out lately.

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Re: Inadequacy-someone I loved said Im not attractive enough and never was

Post by SCGirlyGrl on Sat Jun 26, 2010 6:39 pm

I'm gonna start this off with a quote from my momma that I think is so appropriate to this situation: WHEN SOMEONE SHOWS YOU WHO THEY ARE, BELIEVE THEM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

CB...this guy is mentally and emotionally unstable. Until he deals with the issues of his abuse, I mean REALLY deal with them, he is not going to be good for anyone.

People who do not deal with abuse issues on any level CAN have varying emotions. They can play cute and nice and all that one minute, and that minute can last a long time. Then, they flip. They have so much anger pent up inside of them, and they don't know what to do with it. They get mad easily one minute and flip out. It doesn't matter who it is, who they're hurting...they hurt others because they're hurting themselves, and they're trying to make the pain go away.

It could be that he's projecting on you, what he feels about himself because of the abuse, and what it's done to you. It could also be a generational cycle. He could be repeating what he saw his father or father figure do. You never know.

Yes, it hurts, a lot.

BUT, do not let that man dictate to you who you are anymore. He's said his piece. Wheather he did it one way or another is really irrelevant. What he's done is what he's done.

You should NEVER be willing to put up with the addictions, promiscuity and things like that. That is not right. The man is not your husband, it is not your place to stand beside him while he tries to sort out his messed up life.

It seems to me like this man was on a mission from the enemy, and not from God. If you are seeking God, and praying for a Godly mate, the Lord will not give you someone who is the complete opposite of what HE wants for you.

Consider it a blessing that this happened now instead of after you were married. Immagine what a mess that would've been. Imagine how it would have affected your child.

PRAISE THE LORD you are free from this girl. Cry, grieve, get it all out. Meet with your pastor for counseling, do what YOU need to do to get yourself on the path to recovery.

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Re: Inadequacy-someone I loved said Im not attractive enough and never was

Post by cbvirtuous on Sat Jun 26, 2010 6:53 pm

What you said about his projection, Ive heard that before, that its often with those closest, and yes, his father can be just plain old hateful to him even now and hes in his 30s. His father manipulates him with put downs and words when he doesnt support his frivolous spending and alcoholism. His father is very sick physically and fights periodic drug addiction. He has stolen his sons identity and threatened to come after him, for not bailing him out, has called him a horrible son, did some pretty mean things to him when he was a young child, the list goes on.

My mother often said the other day, she believes he finds a crevice to ease his own lack of self esteem with me bc he cant handle the pressure of him measuring up himself, and he finds something he knows will hurt the most based on what he knows about me, my life, career, etc.

I would not get back with him and put up with the promiscuity, addictions, etc, its just those things are somehow easier for me to forgive spiritually and lay at the cross than that he left because I dont measure up for him physically. I could be his friend a lot easier bc those other things are behaviors than if he hadnt put me down physically that way bc when I look at him, those words keep coming up.

I am praying through not allowing it to change how I see myself based on Gods word. Just loving someone genuinely makes you vulnerable til you heal-I think if I hadnt loved him it wouldnt have mattered at all to me so Ihave to lay down the love I felt for him too. Thank you, I am working through it here and recently with my pastoral counselor, its been so much to sort through on my brain and heart.


Last edited by cbvirtuous on Sat Jun 26, 2010 8:36 pm; edited 1 time in total

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Re: Inadequacy-someone I loved said Im not attractive enough and never was

Post by SCGirlyGrl on Sat Jun 26, 2010 7:03 pm

HONEY------IT'S HIM THAT DIDN'T MEASURE UP TO YOU!!!!

He's the looser in this, not you!

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Re: Inadequacy-someone I loved said Im not attractive enough and never was

Post by cbvirtuous on Sat Jun 26, 2010 8:42 pm

Thanks everyone, I truly mean that. God bless you all for your love and patience. I feel strengthened in my weakness by the fellowship here. Please keep me but him as well in prayer.

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Re: Inadequacy-someone I loved said Im not attractive enough and never was

Post by dreamster on Sat Jun 26, 2010 9:14 pm

i agree wiv wats been said ,,i havnt red everythang but got an idea,,um gurly put it very well, D

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Re: Inadequacy-someone I loved said Im not attractive enough and never was

Post by traveller on Sat Jun 26, 2010 11:37 pm

flower am praying for you cb.

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Re: Inadequacy-someone I loved said Im not attractive enough and never was

Post by lola21st on Sun Jun 27, 2010 12:04 am

cbvirtuous -

First {{{{{BIG HUG}}}}}}, I feel your pain. I also have been there...being in a relationship with someone who loved me one minute and then found an area where he felt I was inadequate and he played that area like a fiddle. I tried to "improve" in that area and then a different area that needed development was discovered. And so it continued for years, until I finally saw the pattern and realized that the problem was not with me. When I had that epiphany suddenly everything changed, it was like being in the optometrist's chair when the letters on the wall are readable but then one slight adjustment suddenly makes everything crystal clear and you didn't even realize that the letters could be viewed so crisply. At that moment, nothing he said anymore impacted me because I realized he wasn't in a place emotionally or spiritually to speak into my life despite the fact that he was my husband...duh

In another relationship, the man went through repeated patterns of being hot then cold towards me then suddenly got into a relationship with someone who couldn't fill the shoes I wore as a toddler much less my current shoes. And although I knew that was the case , I was tremendously hurt and baffled wondering what it was that she had that I didn't. Over time I realized that I was asking the wrong question - it became apparent that this was not about me so there was no need to feel rejection. This was really about him and his own low self-esteem and self-image. Needless to say, that relationship didn't last but a few months...But the wonderful thing that occurred during this period is that in my pain, I grew closer to the Lord and He healed me. He ALWAYS brought the right people at the right time to say the exact thing that I needed to hear in that moment to get through. GOD IS FAITHFUL! He began to speak to me through my dreams to let me know several things, one of which was that He was doing a good work in me and was going to bring it to completion. I was a work in progress and he was going to rebuild me. And he has (and continues to do so)! Flower Power

Until you fully understand and believe how God sees you, and until you start to see yourself as God sees you, you will continue to impacted by how this man says he sees you. But at some point you will realize that this man was simply wrong. The problem here is that when it's not your "attractiveness" that's the "issue" then it will become something else. And then something else again. And again. As others have stated so well, hurting people hurt people. On the one hand, they "love" and "appreciate" your qualities, yet they reject you and attempt to make you feel inadequate as well.

Everyone here has offered some wonderful insights and advice. It may be too early to receive any of it because everything is so fresh, the wounds are still raw and you're still digesting what has happened and trying to understand it much less being able to process it and move forward. But the bottom line is that he can't love you the way that God intends for you to be loved because he's broken. He can't give what he doesn't have. Only God can heal and restore him to make him whole, not you nor anyone else. So on this basis, his opinion of you holds no weight, it's not valid, he's not qualifed to make deposits into your life - so the challenge for you is to stop seeking his validation because that's where he has power in your life and is able to manipulate you. And that's not God. The best thing that you can do for him and more importantly for yourself is to let him go, pray God's best for him and cut him off - otherwise, he will continue to have a place in your life that he is not worthy of and he will continue to kill your spirit little by little until it's destroyed. And that's not God. Intercede for him but don't feel compelled or allow him to claim that you have to be a part of his process. You need healing as well and you also have a son who needs you and needs you to be whole so that you can love him and care for him in the way that he needs to be taken care of. Resign from this post so that you can heal, be restored, grow from this experience and become the woman that God has destined you to become and that He can bring the man who will see you the way that God does and love you and cherish you the way that He wants you to be loved.

Bless You

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Re: Inadequacy-someone I loved said Im not attractive enough and never was

Post by Prims on Fri Aug 06, 2010 7:50 am

CB i know and understand what you are talking about, i hear about my inadiquacies all the time everytime i argue with my husband, and i mean everytime. But you know i told myself that No person shall make me feel less of myself, my husband tend to say some horrible stuff about me so much so that i had to come up with a way of keeping it away

The worst part is he sometimes blutters it all out in front of other people it does not matter who, BUT i serve a living God and that is what He does not understand. The other day as he was going on. I started confessing the promises of God upon my life and it fought for me. I have started doing that and he does not know how to deal with it that way.

GOD is Good CB and very great that i am very proud of

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Re: Inadequacy-someone I loved said Im not attractive enough and never was

Post by cbvirtuous on Mon Aug 09, 2010 11:18 am

Thx for the post. Since writing here to say progress has been made would be an understatement. Prayers do get answered. Hes getting counseling and was his own decision made for himself. Hed said many times he didnt want it and so this was all of a sudden to me. He has begun reconciliation with his own father who has been abusive and hes coming to the Lord again in his life. God told me clearly more than once that this would be. His dad also is coming to the Lord now after much intercession. Hes made it clear to me he was the one who felt inadequate and less than inside and out and he doesnt find anything so wrong with me and that he desires change. He has been showing very consistent efforts and even started and leading a bible study meeting for men in his navy group while at sea that meets every day.

God told me this would be that hed come to Him again. Smtmes hard to hold on to faithing when it seems so heavy and you cant see beyond the circumstances and discouragement about them. But confessing the word over yourself...very true and i started that as well and the word is alive. Future in Gods hands even so. My only concern now is Gods will on it and for my life as the final say. what he joins together no matter what no one can thwart. if he says no then he closes doors no one can reverse. Marriages relations He desires to restore and so i believe healing for yours.

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Re: Inadequacy-someone I loved said Im not attractive enough and never was

Post by Prims on Mon Aug 09, 2010 11:43 pm

PRAISE THE HEAVENLY GOD FOR WHAT IS HAPPENING IN YOUR PARTNER'S LIFE! and thanks for standing in an agreement with me. kiss HE has already started with the healing, and i cannot begin to elaborate my joy, woohoo

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Re: Inadequacy-someone I loved said Im not attractive enough and never was

Post by dreamster on Tue Aug 10, 2010 12:31 am


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Re: Inadequacy-someone I loved said Im not attractive enough and never was

Post by Prims on Tue Aug 10, 2010 2:13 am

yep that is true dreamster praiseGod praise God

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Re: Inadequacy-someone I loved said Im not attractive enough and never was

Post by hind'sfeet on Tue Aug 10, 2010 9:00 am

Virtuous!! Praise Yah for He IS Good

I'm sorry I haven't responded to your email... I kept getting a feeling that I'm not ready to reply and I know why now.
After reading your update, I believe God did not want me to reply although I felt/feel bad for not. I could have hindered/halted the Good Work that God is/was doing in both of your lives. I just had this really strong feeling that I should only reply when I feel peace about it and I never did, it was a very strong feeling.
I PRAISE Yah for answering your prayers and for this Grand Work that He is performing in both of your lives

I am Amazed and deeply encouraged

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Re: Inadequacy-someone I loved said Im not attractive enough and never was

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