I'm so messed up right now...brace yourselves, this aint pretty.

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I'm so messed up right now...brace yourselves, this aint pretty.

Post by Christa on Tue Nov 24, 2009 12:14 am

My husband broke the stupid restraining order again by calling me a hundred times today. Then my brother decided he didn't want to supervise the visitations yesterday because he hates my husband. I petitioned the court through fax and wrote a written objection to the court order in order to get the visitation supervisors changed and because a judge hasn't signed it yet (and probably won't for a little while) and I didn't know what to do.....my husband threatened to file a police report on me, which he may or may not have done tonight. I had to beat him to the punch and file a "violation of restraining order" on him. The police officer didn't tell me that it was wise to show up at the police dept at the time of visitation irregardless if the visitation supervisors were to be there or not. I wasn't sure what to do, then one of the police officers called me asking me if I wanted to come down there....at 7:15, which was 15 minutes past the start of the visitation time. This threw me into violation of the court order....I decided it was best to go ...at the coercion of the police officer, so that it would look that I was late instead of absent. Easier to explain to the court I guess.

I've never wanted to leave our daughter alone with my husband because he's violent and verbally abusive towards me and may be that way with her in the future at some point. It is rare that I've ever left him alone with her. I might've gone and done laundry while she had her nap during the day, but I've always gotten back within a half an hour of her waking. I've never trusted him as well because he abuses drugs and alcohol....then drives like an idiot. The thought of him being alone with her terrifies me....even at the sheriff's office. He's changed maybe 5 diapers since our daughter's been born...what if her diaper's dirty? She'll get a rash if she's not changed right away. He always does things half-way, so he might not clean her properly. I don't want my daughter to suffer with rashes, not being fed right, not being comforted right, for the sake of trial and error.

My brother changed his mind to supervise visitation simply for my daughter's sake praise God, but although he's a Christian, he's backsliding. He feels like I'm ruining his life. He told me that he might as well just kick my husband's butt, get it over with, then they can be jail buddies if they're going to be spending all this time together anyway. His wife agreed to do this supervision and then didn't take it seriously and lied to him regarding what supervised custody consists of...spending time with the supervised parent. She was screaming at him, while I was talking to him, about how horrible of a person I am. I couldn't believe it.....she lied and I'm the horrible person for simply asking her if she and my brother could do this for me (telling her that it was absolutely, perfectly, 100% fine if she said "no"..that I understood). My brother's fuming mad that he has to spend Thanksgiving and Christmas with one of the most horrible men on the planet, and you know what???? I don't blame him. I truly hate myself for marrying this putz. To the core, it's all my fault...I listened to no one and I married the world's worst man.

My husband accepted Christ into his heart about a month ago. I was talking to a friend today and she said she knew the devil was going to try and mess me up over this. I want this to be over. I feel like checking out mentally over this one.....but I can't, I have a kid that needs a stable mother. I don't know how I'm going to do this. I know what I gotta do, but I'm too much in my head to get the words out right to even pray properly. The devil is a liar and I hate him.

I don't want to pray for my husband to mess up, but I secretly want him so far out of my life that he's but a speck in a binocular.......however, that's wrong of me to do and it will torture my daughter. My husband gets all of his friends involved in our affairs...they've enabled him to do horrible things in our marriage....keeping secrets from me, doing drugs behind my back, not including me in their gatherings. I wish God would smite them off the face of this planet, he truly would be better without them. I feel no mercy towards them tonight (usually I do, but not tonight). Saint Patrick asked God to smite the sorcerer that was giving advice to the king of Ireland. How much do these people have to do to offend God in order to get wiped off of the planet? I secretly hope - not much more than what they've already done to mess with my life.

Please pray for me.....my mind is not right tonight. I want to have mercy and to love my enemies, but I can't even fathom that thought right now. These jerks have messed with a mother's cub and the claws are going to come out soon .... if God doesn't set me straight.

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Re: I'm so messed up right now...brace yourselves, this aint pretty.

Post by traveller on Tue Nov 24, 2009 1:48 am

Dear Father, I bring Christa and this whole situation as you know it before You. Lord, I pray that you will surround her with your love, pour it out over her and let christa feel You close by, because You are. I pray your continuing protection over her and her house and her daughter, that no further harm will be done. Thank you for giving her a sound mind, dear Father as you have not given her a spirit of fear but of power and of love and of a sound mind! Thank you Jesus for your daughter in Christ, she is in your mighty hand.
God bless you Christa!

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Re: I'm so messed up right now...brace yourselves, this aint pretty.

Post by Linda Irish on Tue Nov 24, 2009 7:56 am

Christa....I am praying that same prayer Christa...and Father an annointing on your daughter to walk in your light and perfect peace despite the storm around her that she comfort and your warmth and love pour from her to others...these words to a song just came to me....I will praise you in this storm I will praise you in this storm i will praise you in this storm...let the waters rise If you want them to, i will follow you. I pray after this storm that God will prepare a green pasture for you to rest and be restored in. love in Christ Jesus,

Courage is the word, bless you

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Re: I'm so messed up right now...brace yourselves, this aint pretty.

Post by princessdelia on Tue Nov 24, 2009 11:56 am

Amen i understand how u feel dear! I'd feel the same. I'll be praying for you. Love

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Re: I'm so messed up right now...brace yourselves, this aint pretty.

Post by Dove-Solutions on Tue Nov 24, 2009 8:24 pm

Christa,

I certainly understand your frustration. Let it sit at frustration though and not anger. Christa, fall on your knees and give it to Jesus. Take the hurt and the pain and the other feelings and lay that at the feet of thine husband (Jesus). He is faithful and will take it from you. You can do it. I know you can. Jesus is your restraining order. He is your strong defense. Believe it girl! You can trust him! He will always be there for you. Even when it looks hopeless he is there helping you.....giving you the right words, strength, wisdom to do the right thing in the worst of situations. He will not give you more than you can handle although at times you will feel that way. I know, I have been there......there were times I wanted to die, but he would not let me give up, there were times I could not love any more and he gave me more love to love even those who offended me. I would cry out to him and say I cant love them anymore they have hurt me to much....he would gently say....yes you can. At the age of 10 I was walking through the fire. Abused physically, mentally and sexually with no hope of escape. Where could I go and who could I trust but me and my God. I promise you Christa, you can do it! I know it seems sorted and ugly and it is but he is sorting it all out. Trust him. Please know I say these things because my heart cries out for you. I am praying for you!

Love in Jesus,

Connie


~Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not to your own understanding, in all your ways acknowledge Himand He will direct your path.~ Proverbs 3:5-6

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Re: I'm so messed up right now...brace yourselves, this aint pretty.

Post by Linda Irish on Wed Nov 25, 2009 9:27 am

Dear Christa..I got online this morning before work to let you know that you are in my prayers...you know God is with you as you walk through these things...don't look to the left or right...God is with you sweetie. God Bless CHrista let her feel your arms around her as she deals with the world...let her feel the peace that passes all understanding ...like a warm blanket around her....Let her feel the calm in the center of the storm...God Bless Christa...I pray your active divine will in the life of Christa and all she thinks and all she feels and all she experiences and all she touches and all whom come in contace with her in her life or who are involved in any way...let it be YOUR DIVINE WILL in the life of CHrista. praise God the Father of us the Father of Light.

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Re: I'm so messed up right now...brace yourselves, this aint pretty.

Post by lola21st on Wed Nov 25, 2009 11:55 am

Standing in agreement with the previous prayers!

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Re: I'm so messed up right now...brace yourselves, this aint pretty.

Post by Christa on Thu Nov 26, 2009 9:59 pm

1st: I don't know how to actually explain this....but I physically heard your voices praying for me. And when I heard your prayers....God answered them right as each prayer was finished (when the last word I heard was spoken). I've never physically heard prayers before, like with different voices, male and female. The night I wrote that, I had gone to bed with really high blood pressure. My face was on fire. I heard a voice say, "I cast off the spirit of anger on Christa right now." In a fraction of a second, the heat on my face turned cool. I felt and physically heard your prayers the very next day as well. I had such peace that day. Nothing bothered me the next day. If ever you think (like I have at times) that your prayers fall to the ground.......it absolutely does not happen. God's Word doesn't return to Him void and He proved that to me that night and the next day.

2nd: God did something for me that night to show me something. Here's a little background information: My brother and I were talking about cats about a week ago and how every time I inherited a cat, it was because a person gave it to me (I adopted it). But, every time my mom inherited a cat, it was because they walked right up to her and found her (they adopted her). That night, as I loaded my daughter in the car to take her to see her dad at the police station, a little kitten walked up to us. He appeared friendly. I was in a hurry, so I tried to get the kitten to scram, but he weaved in and out of my legs, even trying to get into the car. The kitten then went under my car, and I didn't want to run him over, so I picked him up, put him on my porch and ran to my car to hop in before he followed me back. I drove to the police station, stayed there for over an hour in the parking lot, crying and praying....letting God know that I really needed Him to show me how much He loved me. After the visitation was finished, I drove home, parked, and brought my daughter inside. I went to go get her something and heard a noise. I tuned my ear into the noise, and the kitten had clawed it's way up the front door screen. I invited him into the house, and he wanted to make himself at home. My daughter loved it. She was so happy that the little kitty was playing with us in the house. I lured him into the back yard after a little while with some food, and fed him.

In that little kitten, I believe God showed me that He's promoting me. I'm not sure how yet, but I just know, that I know, that I know...that He's trusting me with more stuff. When I realized that the kitten was a sign of that promotion....instantaneously, I felt a downpour of love from God on me. Even in the midst of my anguish and one of the most dramatic events of my life, He showed me..."For I know the plans I have for you...to prosper you...."

I don't have the words to express how amazing both of these experiences were, which came out of something so horrid. Thank you all so very much for your prayers. I pray in return that God would bless you all so much.

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Re: I'm so messed up right now...brace yourselves, this aint pretty.

Post by traveller on Fri Nov 27, 2009 1:44 am

Wow Christa, isn't God AMAZING!! This just gives me goosebumps. Amen, thank you Lord!
Continuing to pray God's abundant blessings over you!

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Re: I'm so messed up right now...brace yourselves, this aint pretty.

Post by Dove-Solutions on Fri Nov 27, 2009 8:20 pm

Totally awesome Christa, Totally awesome!


~Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not to your own understanding, in all your ways acknowledge Himand He will direct your path.~ Proverbs 3:5-6

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Re: I'm so messed up right now...brace yourselves, this aint pretty.

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