I messed up

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I messed up

Post by Christa on Wed Aug 19, 2009 6:55 pm

IRL: My husband and I are separated, but not legally. He has been very nice to me for the last couple of weeks and he kept saying he was a changed man and so forth. Well, he's been acting like the old Todd today and I lost it and screamed at him. I even cussed him out and hung up on him. I told him that I had a restraining order on him as well--->I had a temporary restraining order on him which ends tomorrow that allowed him no visitation. However, I never served him the order because my dad told me not to, so he was allowed to see her whenever he wanted. My dad wanted me to hide it from him and serve him at the very last minute. I agreed, but now I've passed the time allowance. After I told him I had a restraining order on him, he said that he was going to retaliate somehow and get friends to help him with lawyers. I talked him out of that and promised him that nothing was going to be done about the restraining order, that it was a "just in case" sort of thing (which is what it turned out to be). He seems more calm, but the tension is still there. He's still angry at me for getting it in the first place.

Because my husband promised to be nice and sweet from now on and his actions were proving it until today, we talked about getting back together, but slowly. I would go up on the weekends and stay at my folk's house during the week. The problem is, he thinks that because I don't have a job now (I quit last week because my boss is in trouble with the DA, so I had to go), that I'm ready to move back in with him full time. I even told him maybe, but honestly, I'm not ready, at least today.

I don't think God wants me to divorce this man.

I had a dream during a nap today. I was in my car and my daughter was in the backseat. My foot slipped on the brake peddle and I had to recover my foot and brake quickly. Violet was a little jolted, but she was fine. I was jolted too because I almost hit a blue minivan in front of me. A lady cop was right behind me and pulled me over. I rolled down my window, but she wasn't interested in me really. She was concerned about my daughter. She tried to open the backseat door to check on Violet, but the door was obstructed somehow and she could only crack it. I told her that I was glad to see her (the cop) because "I lost my footing and I was pretty jolted by the experience." She kept saying, "huh" and "what," like she really didn't care. Then she started calling my car in like she didn't trust that I was a good mom. I was scared that they were going to take Violet away from me.

This dream really scared me. Mia's dictionary says that what happens in your car usually happens in your waking reality. I consistently pray for my husband and my situation. I love Jesus, but I'm so tired of praying about this part of my life. I wish that my husband would divorce me and move far away, so that I could move on with my life. I don't want to work on my marriage. I don't have the desire when I've had only two good weeks with him (these have probably been the best two weeks of our entire marriage btw). I really don't think God wants me to divorce or even separate from this man permanently. I don't understand that whatsoever. The words, "I hate you," came out of my mouth today towards my husband. I need prayer, but I thought I'd put this in the dream section. Maybe I'll put it in both. Please help me pray because I seriously don't have the energy to do this anymore with this man.

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Re: I messed up

Post by dreamster on Wed Aug 19, 2009 7:34 pm

bandaid thats awful sweety,,i really doubt that ur hubby has changed,,its more a ruse 2 get bak in ur life,,he will put on any act 2 make this happen,, bandaid why wood u wanna go bak 2 hell?? bandaid u gotta get free ,,this is ur oppertunty,,i strongly urge u not 2 go bak 2 him,, bandaid D

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Re: I messed up

Post by Jodi on Wed Aug 19, 2009 8:04 pm

Christa, I can tell you are upset with yourself for losing it. Your are feeling guilty and your dream reflects that. When you lost it, did you loose it in front of your daughter? I ask because your dream was about the impact of the jolt on your daughter when you lost your footing. Everyone makes mistakes and when we pray for forgiveness, God forgives us.

This dream might be helping you realize how your daughter is being impacted by the anger between your husband and you. I'm not saying there's no cause for the anger - just that the less of it she sees and hears, the better for her.

Did you have a restraining order because your husband is violent - either to your daughter or you, or both? If so, I don't think God would want you to remain in a position to be abused, even if He is not telling you to get divorced.

In your situation I would be tempted to pray to change my husband - his actions and feelings towards me. But that doesn't work. Ask God to reveal to you two things: who you are to Him and who your husband is to Him. Ask Him to give you peace inside yourself so that events with your husband won't rattle your peace and cause you to lose it. I hope this helps. I just prayed for you, before closing this note.
- Jodi

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Re: I messed up

Post by HisLightbeam on Wed Aug 19, 2009 9:04 pm

Amen, I stand in agreement with Dreamy and Jodi for you, Christa. May you have peace tonight. Sleep well. Cast this care of Jesus, because He truly loves you, and we do too.

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Re: I messed up

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