Need advice!!

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Need advice!!

Post by exo152 on Tue Jul 29, 2014 11:06 am

I am in need of some advice!! As some of you know my dad has come through, miraculously and by the hand of God, some major health issues and my mother has been battling severe mental illness for more than 20 years. The last few years have been hard. This winter, however, is my parent's 50th wedding anniversary. I feel the need to celebrate in some way, and as the eldest child whatever we do will be mostly mine to get going. I do not feel emotionally able to put together a big blow-out celebration, nor do I feel that it would be in the best taste considering my mother's mental illness (part of which has included years of verbal abuse, delusions and hallucinations toward my father). I would prefer to have a small, family only gathering such as a nice dinner, followed with low-key program and sharing of photos. But my brother's wife suggests doing the big thing. After all, as she puts it, Dad has stayed with Mom, though sickness and health and needs to be honored for that. I agree, but after the last several years, putting on a big show feels like being dishonest to me. And since I will be in charge of the lion's share of whatever is done, I just do not feel like I can do that.
She thinks I just need to forgive Mom, for what she really cannot help. I don't feel like I am holding unforgiveness. I just want to enjoy the time, honor our parents and feel good about what we are doing.
Any advice??

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Re: Need advice!!

Post by Cholette on Tue Jul 29, 2014 11:55 am

Well, I personally don't believe that the size of the celebration determines the size of the sacrifice.  I believe that you can do something on a smaller scale and it mean the same.

Since you are the one that may have to handle the charges, you should be the one that determines the size of the celebration.  I feel it's a beautiful example of love that your father has shown your mother.  People don't have that type of stamina in relationships anymore.

On the other hand...if your sister in law wants to fit the bill and put all of the blood, sweat and tears into the planning, then let her do so...hehehehe!

I pray you all have a wonderful time, no matter what!!


Do not fight FOR victory, but fight FROM THE PLACE of victory. Jesus has ALREADY won the battle!

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Re: Need advice!!

Post by dreamster on Tue Jul 29, 2014 2:32 pm

yep im wiv cholette on this , and your gut feeling is rite, any celebration gud, :hooray: its wunderful thing ur doing, i think it will be more meaningful in a small group without all the circus of a grand event :hairraising: 

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Re: Need advice!!

Post by exo152 on Wed Jul 30, 2014 12:39 pm

Thank you both so much!! Nothing like a little perspective to give you peace! I have heard back from other family members who LOVED my idea and are on board. Still haven't heard back from the sister-in-law, but praying she sees the beauty and simplicity of what I am wanting to do and gets on board too. Thanks again!!

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Re: Need advice!!

Post by dreamster on Wed Jul 30, 2014 2:53 pm

yep kinda sounds like tv show modern family,in funny way, laugh 

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Re: Need advice!!

Post by exo152 on Tue Sep 02, 2014 10:40 am

nerd Needing some prayer and advice!! This thing, that seemed to be moving along so smoothly, has spiraled out of control. Never assume silence means agreement!! Just as my siblings and I were moving along with our plans, my sister-in-law who wanted the big celebration and my brother she is married to, have decided to single-handedly do a "hostile take-over". My brother called yesterday, informing me he had told our father everything and Dad agreed with them that he would like a big celebration. If I and the others didn't go along with them, they would do it without us.  I had decided not to fight and therefore handed the whole celebration over to him and his wife. I let them know I was willing to help. To which he informed me he and his wife would be in charge of EVERYTHING. They may need me to help clean-up afterwards.....
I then let my other siblings know and started getting some unhappy phone calls. No one is happy, but no one wants a fight, either. This morning I get a phone call from our father, and guess what? My brother and his wife pretty much outright lied about what Dad had said.
I am trying very hard to maintain peace, to not be offended and to pray for them. I could use some advice on how to handle this and also some prayers that I can forgive gracefully. Thank you!!

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Re: Need advice!!

Post by Cholette on Tue Sep 02, 2014 11:17 am

Ok, this is how I would handle it.  Of course you do all of this in love and without vengeance, but I would let them do absolutely EVERYTHING...which includes the clean up.  At this point, you are an "attendee".  When people try to control a situation, they take on EVERYTHING.  So you go to the party and celebrate the way you desire and then you leave.  Taking over things mean that you are responsible for everything...not just the fun and easy parts. 

I would do absolutely NOTHING except for celebrating...especially since everything is based on a lie anyway.  This is horrible, but yes, continue to pray for them because it's obvious that they are miserable.


Do not fight FOR victory, but fight FROM THE PLACE of victory. Jesus has ALREADY won the battle!

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Re: Need advice!!

Post by exo152 on Tue Sep 02, 2014 11:30 am

Thank you Cholette!! It just grieves me that they don't want this to be a "family" thing, they want to be the "stars" of the show. The rest of us are not allowed any input. As I prayed about it this morning I really felt led to pray that the Holy Spirit would "frustrate" their plans, just as He frustrated Pharoah's army as they chased the Israelites. The phrase I kept getting was "one step forward, three steps back"......is it wrong to pray that this become a "stress-lesson" for them? The thing I think that troubles me most is the attitude of the heart that I am seeing and hearing from them (she actually posted a video on fb this morning of a little guy doing a happy dance).......and they do profess to be Christians.....
LOVE the advice about allowing them to do EVERYTHING!! That absolutely is the best thing. My sister-in-law does not do stress well. So in getting her way, she may have bitten off more than she really wants!

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Re: Need advice!!

Post by Cholette on Tue Sep 02, 2014 3:04 pm

Just remember to walk in the absolute best you can in love.  You may even want to send encouraging words around to the other family members so that there will be agreement at this celebration.  The worse thing ever is to have disunity at the party because then it will be felt and it won't go well.  We can't forget why we are having this celebration in the first case...your dad.  There are MORE with you than with them and all of you who are in agreement have the power to make this the best celebration ever, even though there were drama behind the scenes.

I can't wait to hear the follow-up on this one...be at peace and I will be praying as well. :hooray:


Do not fight FOR victory, but fight FROM THE PLACE of victory. Jesus has ALREADY won the battle!

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Re: Need advice!!

Post by exo152 on Tue Sep 02, 2014 5:00 pm

Wisdom words!! Thank you Cholette!!

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Re: Need advice!!

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