I AM ANGRY!!!!!!!

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I AM ANGRY!!!!!!!

Post by Jasmine on Tue May 13, 2014 12:58 pm

I am horribly angry at everyone. I know people will think its teen angst, but I think its been established that I am far from being a normal teenager. I haven't even rebelled and I'm turning 17 this summer. I have never done illegal or harmful substances. I've never had sex. I'm not allowed to date until I am 18 and I have followed my mother's rules. I don't have a curfew, because I never go out unless I'm with family or I go to therapy. I don't fight with my mother. I don't get violent. There's written evidence that she sees me as a very respectful person. Every adult who knows me well can see that I am wildly different than any other teenager. The reason I am saying all of this is because a member here had chalked up all my frustrations to teen angst a few years back. Later on, I was diagnosed with juvenile idiopathic arthritis, sleep apnea, four mental/emotional disorders, and a Vitamin D deficiency. To top it all off, according to the NYC Department of Education, the CDC, and every other trusted health company, I am disabled. Don't try to negate that. I can't function in a general education environment. I even get anxious ordering food on the phone. I am currently enrolled in a special ed school.  

Back to the point. I have a lot of anger towards a lot of people. My parents, my grandfather, and my aunt are at the top of the list. They love me and I love them. It's not a matter of authentic hatred, even if my uncle says he sees pure hatred in my eyes. I feel they have wronged me. I haven't heard apologies from all of them. I certainly don't see repentance. My aunt and my mom were in deep denial about my issues. I tried asking to see a professional and I tried to get my mom to see my agony, but she didn't take it seriously. She laughed, she got offensive, she interrupted constantly, she got defensive. Every time I initiated a serious conversation about it, I ended up being in more pain and I would just run to my room crying. My aunt wasn't better by much. She was the same, except she didn't laugh. In fact, she seemed angrier. My uncle (her hubby) knew I wasn't all right and he would tell her that. She would get angry at him. He knew that my rocking back and forth, my pacing, and other stuff I did were not normal. To finally get the help I needed, I exaggerated a few symptoms so my mom would take me to my primary doctor. I had several pages in my journal filled with every affliction I could think of and I showed it to her in her office while my mom was in the examination room. My doctor told her to get me into counseling. She specified that a school counselor wasn't enough. I remember the look on my mom's face. She was annoyed, maybe even angry. She has an extreme dissent for being told what to do with her life and her parenting. But she still didn't believe I wasn't alright until I began cutting myself. Before I began, I already had cutting on my mind and I was really considering it not just as a coping mechanism, but as a way to show my family that I was not okay. I started cutting myself November 2011. My plan was to cover my body with cuts and show my family. My doctors saw the cuts and told my mom. She was angry, but she cried that night. I only know because she told me. Later on, I began taking anti-depressants. My aunt was trying to convince my mom to get me off, but my mom told her I had cut myself before. I feel that if they weren't in denial I wouldn't have had to suffer as much. I realize no one wants to realize someone they love has issues, but their denial worsened and elongated my suffering. If they understood and saw my pain earlier, I wouldn't see the need in harming myself. I know I shouldn't hold on to the past, but this hasn't been resolved completely.

My family taught me to believe anything is possible with God, but at the same time they tell me to think realistically about my career choices. I wanted to be in the entertainment industry. I liked the idea of acting and singing, but what I really enjoyed was screenwriting (I still do). Before this aspiration, I felt like I had no talent whatsoever. I would say I wanted to be a pediatrician to whoever asked. But I didn't really want to do that. I would just say that because I thought it was a good career. I wasn't taught to dream big, I learned on my own. When I wanted to be in that industry, I had ambition and I discovered I had incredible creativity. I had big hopes. I would even pray, asking God to give me what I needed for my dreams. I knew if I didn't ask, I wouldn't receive. I would tell my my mom and aunt that I would pray for God to help me in this. I would tell them it's possible with God. Their argument: God isn't going to do that, it's not likely He will do that. They were basically telling me that while God can do everything and anything, and he has done this for people in the past, he won't do it for me because I don't have the connections and I don't have enough talent. Gee, thanks! My father told me he'd be ashamed of me if I were an actor or singer. I'm still screenwriting. I'm still dreaming. When I get my Screenwriters Guild Award or my Oscar, I'm keeping it in an awards case next to the formal apology from my family. I'm declaring it, in Jesus name!

My grandfather tells people what they should do. He will always share his opinion. The annoying part is he is right half the time. He never puts it gently. For example, I had just gotten out of a psych hospital and he told me I should stay for a year if I go back since I am so ungrateful. According to my mom and aunt he has mellowed out a lot. I guess I should be grateful I wasn't born sooner.

My dad -     http://miasherwood.forumotion.net/t17036-a-daughter-s-forgiveness?highlight=a+daughter+s+forgiveness
Just read.

I still get angry at them, especially my mom. While my mother is a good person and she loves me, she has done the bare minimum in raising my sister and I. She put us in school, she took us to the doctor, she made sure we were never alone and she never abused us. However, the part of making us functioning, independent members of society was left out. Here's what I mean: I am a very messy person. My room is covered with dirty clothes that I still wear. The entire house is filthy. I am too lazy to clean it up. I wasn't consistently told and taught to pick up after myself. Independant adults pick up after themselves, they keep their living space clean, they have good hygiene, they are social, and they are not afraid to travel to the corner store alone. I wasn't taught to do any of those. Yes, she is a single mom and it was hard for her, but considering we lived with our grandparents, and our aunt and uncle until I was 12, she had it easier than most. My mom still isn't careful with her words, and sometimes it's intentional. She has said she wishes she was childless, she has called us bad daughters, she says she needs to go on an extended vacation without us. She doesn't mean it and she usually apologizes. But it still happens. You know what usually causes her to say these things: I didn't take out the trash, there's too many dishes to clean, the trash can is overflowing, the leftovers got spoiled, and other petty things. I know she is having an incredibly rough time with the bills and her health but that doesn't justify her actions. If it doesn't justify her actions, then why should I let it go every single time? Why should I be the doormat? Why can't I say something? I feel my actions are futile, but I'm still very passionate about this.

The bottled-up anger is burning a hole in me. No matter how much I am resistant to it, I know I need to forgive her. But how? Forgiveness is an action. I could tell her, God, and myself that I have forgiven her till I'm blue in the face, but it won't take away how angry, hurt, and upset I am. I will still tear up when I think of the past. I will still feel upset. I will still live with my mother who will still say rude things. I will still be angry. Honestly, I don't see a solution. I know God can make a way, but there's a barrier.

I am angry at God!!! Not because he let all this happen, but because nothing has changed. I have tried to get closer to him, be filled with the Holy Spirit, and just get him to speak with me in a way I'm sure its him all to no avail. I am brokenhearted. I have soul wounds. I know God loves and wants me. I believe what the bible tells me. Its just that getting my life in order is more than a one-time prayer thing. In order for me to get better, I need to be consistent with prayer and reading scripture. But how can I do that if I get incredibly frustrated, cry, and feel like screaming, throwing things, breaking objects, harming myself. Trying to get better is making me feel worse and it feels like God won't break the barrier. I can't break it at all, even if I had help. I can't tell God that if he doesn't help me, I'll jump of the nearest bridge. He knows I wouldn't go through with it. I can't bribe him with my allegiance. I doesn't work that way. I feel helpless.

Jasmine
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Re: I AM ANGRY!!!!!!!

Post by Jennie the Jesus-lover on Tue Jul 15, 2014 6:53 pm

Hi I know you said your mother never abused you but with what she says is emotional abuse. There are curses in your family; blessings and curses can be done with our tongue, and the works of our hands,
We were made in God's image so there's a sense of power in what we do but to curse is not His plan,
How do curses come? Through abuse, grievous words(like not just what you say but HOW you say something; voice tone and body language)swearing, wrath, self-gain, thoughts, oh yes thoughts, because they are understood before the deed happens, thoughts are deeds, bad attitude like sassiness, looking at someone in an evil way such as out of hostility, lust, sensual pleasure, complaining and grumbling against things against people. Oh yes definitely complaining. If that's hard to grasp I'll give you an example. Say you made a mistake even one that's not done out of malicious intent. And even if it was it still would hurt hearing someone complaining about you. "He/she did this and this and that arrrr arrrr grrrr D:<" how would that make you feel? Unloved and like you can't amount to anything. We don't have emotional responses for no reason. They occur to confirm we were blessed or cursed. Curses cause anxiety, anger, grief, illness, even death. That's why when people nag at others they are putting the other person at risk for a heart attack. Blessings cause peace, serenity, euphoria, warmth, healing. What a place it would be everywhere if there was nothing but extravagant love all the time. This is why people who remain cursed in their sins automatically go to hell. Because if they were let into heaven as they are they would hurt God and everybody in heaven through whatever sinful way they're behaving. Difference is nobody would die but be in torment because our soul is eternal. People send themselves to hell. As the scripture says "condemned already." It's not Jesus' desire for anybody to go there. As also the Scripture says. But to love. And be loved. And have blessing. And speak and do blessing. Scripture calls Jesus "blessed forever." James 1:17 says "Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and cometh down from the Father of lights, with whom is no variableness, neither shadow of turning." All good comes from God and goes wherever and remains wherever He is. So He is in heaven and He is here. Thus we experience good. I'll be praying hard for you dear. And your family. I also want to add there are dangers on the entertainment industry. I'm not saying God wouldn't work through your goals but the illuminati works behind the industry. I have a friend on Facebook who also has a YouTube account and he knows Jesus and is doing movies and music without the entertainment industry. I highly recommend checking him out hope it'll help you get more ideas in your goals. Remember Proverbs 3:5-6. That verse is such a comfort, I just know Jesus wants to work in our desires and do His good things in them. Because He is good. I'm songwriting and sometimes I get downs in life but Jesus revives me again once I get close enough to Him and I have better ideas in what I was working on with Him. Stay strong in The Lord! :)

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Re: I AM ANGRY!!!!!!!

Post by Delightful soul on Wed Jul 30, 2014 8:30 am

Dear Jasmine,

Firstly I want to say that while I am not going to 'counsel' you , I want to say that I was very touched by your post.

Secondly I want to say that you truly do have a gift of communication. You truly are talented.

Thirdly, I related so much to your story. If anything I could say, I would say to you is this. I have walked before you and been emotionally abused. I have been psychologically abused. I have been emotionally neglected and name called and insulted in so many legal ways that in all honesty should have been deemed illegal but unfortunately so much of society says sticks and stones may break our bones but names will never hurt us. The thing is, dear one, it would seem you have been abused in the worst of ways. Your pain has been dismissed as unimportant by those who should consider it important, cause dear, you are in pain. You are on your way to healing though. Just remember Jesus never sinned in his anger and yet he got so angry at injustice that he overturned the tables remember. Jesus is more angry at the way your family has mistreated you and the issue here is not forgiveness, the issue here is being heard. Your family choose to dismiss your pain cause they are in so much pain themselves. So forgive them. However sister, do not put up with their abuse. You need to be vocal and honest, if not for them, for yourself. Stand up for yourself. Hold your head up high and while the industry is full of evil (am am a film and television graduate who struggles with mental illness and was very hurt by the demonic activity in the film school I attended), the industry in itself is not evil. God needs good people in the industry and especially scriptwriters. And to be honest, you don't need to mingle with too many people in writing, you just write your script and send it to producers. I majored in creative writing and I also love writing scripts. THe things is Hollywood is going down the gurgler anyway, so don't feel too overwhelmed at where you're headed, media can be done from the comfort of your own home these days, so don't even think in analogue terms as to making it big in Hollywood when more and more films are being made on location and from various smaller companies that are often started by one or two people. Don't stress matey. The truth is for a 17 year old you have more than enough insight and talent to shine anywhere you go in whatever you do. The thing is, are you wanting to become important to prove to your parents that you are someone who should be listened to? Cause honey, you don't need their approval and you will most likely never get from them what you really need and that is to be heard. I wanted to be an actress at your age and after going through film school and several mental breakdowns, I realised that all I wanted was for my mum and dad to love me and see me as the beautiful girl I never thought I was. I thought that if the world could see me up on the big screen then they would love me. That no one would ever tease me again or belittle me or tell me I was insignificant. I would SHOW them which is why I was attracted to SHOW BUSINESS. I wanted to prove to them I was lovable cause deep inside I wanted to be loved and to be honest, my family loved me in their own way, but not enough. They told me I was fat and not good enough. Then society did the same thing. If I had scars for all those emotional wounds I'd be a bleeding mess and would need an op to remove the scar tissue. But the thing is emotional wounding has its evidence these days in labels and medication to try and fix the problem when really most likely what would fix your issues would be if your family were made to account for their words and inactions. You are right in putting blame where it is due. The issue is, how can you remove yourself from such abuse. Only you can answer that one. I'd say you need to find supports in somewhere like a church or in a good friend who listens to your pain. Sweety, you're not alone. Blessings

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Re: I AM ANGRY!!!!!!!

Post by Jasmine on Fri Aug 01, 2014 6:05 pm

Jennie and Delightful Soul,
I wouldn't call this abuse. This is how single mothers treat their children. My mother and I can still have fun and be around each other and be friendly. Same for the rest. While the top post is true, this isn't an always thing. As far as my dreams go, I am interested in it because of what it brings if I were to hit it big. The money would be there so I can pay my family's debts, have them live quite comfortably, and have more than enough for philanthropy. The fame and attention so people would have me as a good influence. I see that Christians in this industry are shunned now. I have so many issues in my life at this point that I feel directionless. I go to church with my mother so having a friend from there might just ruin her reputation. They don't gossip, but I doubt anyone can hold back a sudden glare. Even if I do, who's to say they won't overlook it. This is how almost everyone is treated at home. In fact, compared to most teens around me, I am immensely blessed. My closest friend is in Ecuador till later this month. My mom isn't directing her angry words at us recently. It's summer so as soon as school is back on it's back. As far as my other horrendous burdens, where is my help? God is there but I can't hear him. I feel helpless in nearly every situation in my life. At this point I have no one other than my therapist, who I only see once a week. I am at a point in my recovery where I have to fend for myself. I am so advanced in DBT skills that I don't need help. I can't help but feel I need someone.

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Re: I AM ANGRY!!!!!!!

Post by Jennie the Jesus-lover on Fri Aug 08, 2014 8:19 am

Hi I'm wondering about your dreams in your sleep. I find they interpret what is going to happen and lots of times it's God telling us something in them

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Re: I AM ANGRY!!!!!!!

Post by Jasmine on Mon Aug 11, 2014 7:14 pm

Anything in particular? I barely have dreams of importance. I always remember dreams from God. I have some in my old posts.

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Re: I AM ANGRY!!!!!!!

Post by Jennie the Jesus-lover on Fri Aug 15, 2014 12:55 am

It's funny but I can't find it now. Sister if you need to talk I'll be a listener. Jesus gave me the gift of empathy. I have a yahoo, Facebook and Twitter account. Let me know how you feel about it :)

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