Not a dream... but am screaming for help!

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Not a dream... but am screaming for help!

Post by ggyal on Tue Jul 05, 2011 8:41 am

Some of you may know me, remember my posts. I have posted before regarding dreams that God has given and answered supernaturally. But I really need help, some sort of encouragement.

Let me say that EVERYTHING in my life has changed recently. My adopted dad who was my best friend in the world died, leaving me with no-one. My mother died a few years ago. My church is in an uproar at this point, with fighting and arguing and people fighting for positions. All i hear when i go to church now is insults being hurled from the pulpit and i cannot take anymore. I cannot just stop going because i have responsibilities.

The thing that is hurting more than anything now is that I've recently become involved with someone (a believer) and because of all the hurts that I have been going through at church, it literally pushed me into this guys arms. I have never been in a serious relationship, not even before becoming a christian.

Everytime i got frustrated with how things were going at church, i would end up pouring it all out to this guy and he would listen to me, with all my anger and frustrations and the next thing i know we were kissing. And we got very physical, not totally, but very. And this continued several other times to almost sex. The guilt would not let me go. And because of a family history of infirmity, after doing the things i've done, every symptom you can imagine started rearing its head, and i've gone from a christian struggling with her church home, to becoming physical to the point of shame, guilt and condemnation. I know God has forgiven me as I have let the guy know that I do not plan on being physical with him again unless we are married. I know sex was not involved but I take even physical acts seriously.

Now my mind is wracked with torment over getting sick. I need God to re-assure me that He will not allow infirmity to get a hold of me because of my sin.

Work for me is hell right now as well with co-workers ganging up on me. I am seen as an outsider because I really strive for a higher walk.

I have never been so alone in my life. The only place that I have even a measure of peace is at home, and that is because i live alone.

When church time rolls around, i getting a sinking feeling in my stomach knowing that i have to go back to that.

And this guy tells me he loves me, and I tried to break it off telling him that I don't want a physical relationship, and he says he will be waiting and praying that God shows me that he is serious about me. I gave him another chance because most of the times when we got physical, i was more guilty than he was. I was so emotionally strung that he was an outlet.

He is the one person that is there for me right now. And its amazing because he has become a blessing, in spite of our mistakes. I wonder what would have happened to me if I had not met him.

Will somebody please talk to me, help me, encourage me. I need it. I feel like am walking around in a fog, and fearful. dont want to be sick.



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Re: Not a dream... but am screaming for help!

Post by Grey Butterfly on Tue Jul 05, 2011 10:01 pm

Hi there :o)

I'm so sorry about your parents! That's a really deep wound and nothing anyone says will make it hurt less... it is natural for it to ache... death is sad and horrible. Jesus wept for Lazarus, his friend, even though he knew he would raise him from the dead! I pray that you will feel the comfort of our soft hearted Lord pouring over you and sustaining you in the valley of the shadow of death. I think he spends a lot of time in this particular valley, because it is here that people are real, open and willing to take off their masks and just sit with him. Know that he is here, in it with you. You are treasured and loved by God!!!

He knows how much you are struggling and he knows your heart... he knows how much you need comfort and how vulnerable you are at the moment. With regards to this guy and guilt, this is the kind of guilt that can hang over you for years and ruin large chunks of your life and change the way you see yourself... (I'm sure you can see that possibility from where you are now). Can i say that I applaud you and am cheering for you!!!! Good on you for taking the stand you have with your boyfriend! If he loves you, long term loves you, he will respect and understand this stand, he will also see that you are vulnerable and he will be the one to be strong and ensure that he doesn't take advantage of the timing in your life... he will not make this hard for you! Meet him in public places, like cafe's, parks, baseball games, whatever it takes to keep back from "the edge"

Very importantly, you really need to know that you are forgiven! And believe it deep inside, Jesus really does delight in you and he is with you.

Church should be a help to you at the moment... not a source of anxiety. Whatever your responsibilities in the church are, there are others who can/will do them... it is quite acceptable to say as of x date, I will no longer be able to do this job/take this responsibility. Be firm!

I remember going to first aid training and the first thing they said to do in an emergency situation was to look for danger... not touch the person until I had seen if it was safe for me to do so!!! I thought - and said - how self centred is that! But the trainer pointed out to me that if someone is drowning, I will be no help to them if I throw myself into the same current to drown with them... or if they are lying on power lines and I touch them and am electrocuted too, or if they are in quicksand and I wade on in.... I got the picture - reluctantly :o) I cannot help others if I allow myself to be injured by the very same things.

Why tell you that??? because it strikes me that your church is a dangerous place to be a vulnerable person who is alone... don't go there, even for your responsibilities if you don't have support and a soft place to fall.

Ok, that's enough telling you what to do.... you didn't ask for that, I know! Sorry :o)

It is no wonder you are feeling sick and emotionally strung out!!!!

Now, I will pray for you:

Jesus, I feel so much empathy for this woman, this daughter of yours, please touch her with your gentle arms of love today, please Lord show her the way to walk towards you, be her soft place to fall, get her out of harms way Jesus, you are her shepherd! Protect your Lamb!! Please let these words of mine fall softly on her ears, let any that are not needful fall by the wayside and encourage her yourself with your radiant presence Lord please don't leave her an orphan all alone, please give her your family to walk with. Guide her to people who are in love with you, who are chasing after you and not positions or power. Jesus, please hide her under your wings and let her be comforted by the beating of your heart and the warmth of your body.

God bless, Diane





Last edited by Grey Butterfly on Tue Jul 05, 2011 10:02 pm; edited 1 time in total (Reason for editing : fixing an error)

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Re: Not a dream... but am screaming for help!

Post by ggyal on Wed Jul 06, 2011 4:00 am

Thanks for the encouragement Diane. REally appreciate the time you took to encourage me and for reminding me of God's love. I am hurting, is an understatement :) but His grace is sufficient.

Do PRAY for me. That is so needful at this time, and I appreciate it.

May God bless you for your compassion.

ggyal

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Re: Not a dream... but am screaming for help!

Post by Grey Butterfly on Wed Jul 06, 2011 4:45 pm

You are welcome :o)

Happy to pray!

Jesus bless this child of yours!!! Please wrap her in your arms... she could do with being "wrapped in cotton wool" for a while. Jesus I pray you will put a hedge around her, don't let people at her... protect her every time she walks into her work place, or into the church building. I pray that her diligence and hard work will be recognised at work and that her striving for a higher walk will be respected... I don't pray for them (her work colleagues) at the moment Lord, although they are valuable to you too... I just pray that they will allow ggyal space to be who she is, space to breathe and recover and not heap abuses on her head at this time. Let some event or some celebrity take their focus for a while and give your child peace for a time. Send angels with her to work please Jesus! let ggyal rest inside her heart... a deep sense of peace, because she can feel the nearness of the Kingdom of heaven... as the angels shield her with their wings.

I know how sad it is to find that people in churches are often more "human" than we expect and it is hard to know how to interact in a godly fashion when it looks like they have thrown you, their King, out the window. Jesus, I know too, how hard it is to walk away. I pray for ggyal in this situation, only you know whether you would have her walk away or stay - but Jesus, if you would have her stay, then protect her here as you will at work, hedge her and soak her in your Spirit so that she is able to stand firm in your character.

I pray Lord, that you will make clear what you would have her do, in regards to work and church, please give peace and rest Lord... and more than that, give comfort and support to your lamb who is alone! Lambs are not meant to be alone Jesus!!! I want to blow a trumpet and shout SAVE LORD, SAVE YOUR LAMB.... COME QUICKLY!!!

I praise you for the guy she has been pouring her heart out to... and I know that this has provided some measure of the comfort she has needed... Jesus please protect her heart, and his! please give them strength, particularly the guy, stand him on solid ground Lord and show him plainly that he is in a position to help immensely, and be your hands and your heart to your child... he is also in a position that could harm... he belongs to you Jesus, I believe he would choose to be a man of God if he has a clear vision of what you would do here... please give him that, give him a dream - speak to him in your word... speak to him audibly if that is what it takes! Jesus, let this man step up and truly love this woman in purity and holiness and with the great gentleness she will need to heal. How hard it would be for ggyal to let go of this relationship if it were not going to be holy.... I pray for her sake Lord that this man has the heart of the Lion of Judah... let him walk away if he does not.... but oh, my heart aches for your child to lose another person she is close to!

Lastly Lord I pray you will provide her with a spiritual mother and father, I pray you will put her in a family, your family! Let a christian family take her under their wings and love her Lord, it is your plan to have us, your body, live together and be one and support each other, particularly when we are grieving and hurting and alone.

Ahhhh, Jesus, this girl is gonna be on my heart until.....

Be with her Lord, Be with her!


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Re: Not a dream... but am screaming for help!

Post by Grey Butterfly on Fri Jul 08, 2011 9:45 pm

Hi Jesus, today is Saturday here.... I pray that you will be giving ggyal a deep sense of peace where before she would be anxious before going to church. Please be with her in great strength in her relationships and grant her loving women/family friends to walk with. Please Lord provide for her as the loving Father that you are, let her see you in action and in glory.

Hope it is a good weekend for you ggyal :o)

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Re: Not a dream... but am screaming for help!

Post by Grey Butterfly on Fri Jul 15, 2011 12:37 am

Hi ggyal,

Just wanted to let you know you are not alone.

Jesus thank you that you are with us always. Thank you for your gentleness, for your grace - without which, not one of us could stand - thank you for the gift of song Lord, I pray you will put a song in ggyal's heart today... let her know you are with her!

Amen.


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