I feel like the Lord is saying that He has made you tough, but beautiful also ( I don't know if you're a girl, but I heard beautiful). I feel like you have a distinct calling on your life which is why you may feel "alone" or "lonely" a lot. God's desire is not for you to be isolated your whole life. He has done works in you in these alone times that have been valuable in your life. I feel like God is saying that you will find your place, He is going to take you to a place where you will find where you "fit". Don't let the fact that you haven't "fit" in the past keep you from believing that you have a place in the future. I don't know "Exactly" what your calling is but I sense that you were made as a weapon to "knock things down" spiritually. I sense that you were made as a weapon for warfare. AT the same time I sense that you do not have to change who you are. God wants you to do what He has called you to do while at the same time you are called to be totally yourself! YOu are someone who will be used strategically in the hand of the Lord as His tool. Be blessed and encouraged! God has many good things in store for you :)
I had a very short dream. In it I was holding my iPod Touch in my right hand, and it was open to the Notes program I use to keep track of my dreams and progress in my spiritual life. There was a title and several lines of text next to a bullet point. I heard a voice say to me "Since you cannot do anything in the daytime, you will work for me at night." Then the dream ended and I woke up.
Hey guys, I lost my old account (HeavenlyBlack) and decided I need to tell you some things. First, let me get out of the way my apologies for some of the ways I took offense and went on the defensive. I was wigging out defending myself over a love-life issue that later on I realized I was really wrong about. Sorry. Even if no one reads this who was involved, still I'd like to have that there for conscience' sake.
Now anyways, moving on... I have seen some personal revelations coming to fruition lately. How they are concluding may upset some people on here, but I have to follow God.
The first thing I posted was in a moment where I really felt at disunion with the Body of Christ at large. I felt I was too much a divergent personality to truly be close to my brethren and, as a person unable to fulfill normal career goals due to illness, I was seriously wondering what the heck I was supposed to be doing here on Earth. So I asked for a personal word on my calling.
I'm beautiful but tough in the sense that I appreciate seemingly divergent aspects of life, and also embody them. This is a major cause of my isolation, and also my calling as I *think* I'm beginning to see. All this isolation, however, has given me time to sort out quite a few matters in life that some never get the opportunity to deeply reflect upon. As per the second revelation, I am disabled so I spend my time, a lot of it at night, in study of religious matters. I have been developing a worldview and forming wisdom in myself during these times. However, as I mentioned "divergent aspects" in some ways I'm very "amphibious" in personality. Young, but experienced. Goth, but Christian. Intuitive, mentally ill, but highly intellectual, wise but goofy. Committed to orthodoxy, but accepting and (at heart at least) easy going. Masculine but feminine, I love metal and bunnies, toughness and beauty. So naturally I tend to wind up lonely because while I can get along with all, all tend to only see slivers of me and define me accordingly. This has also been a developing tension in my alone times that I've been attempting to reconcile, but now I am beginning to realize that it'd be wrong to do so. I need to integrate holistically, not shoehorn myself. The Lord ultimately brought me to a trial, a time in my life wherein I would be refined by fire and driven out of confusion to question my core beliefs and solidify them by asking the hard questions and studying accordingly. It may shock some, maybe not all due to the charismatic bonds that bind these communities, but... I converted to Roman Catholicism. Now I love the universality (catholicity) of the faith at it's purest... but I see a disturbing trend toward unbalance in the individual parishes and diocese. Some are too reactionary against modernism, and traditional, to the point of breaking communion with the See of Rome. Some are so tilted toward the liberal and feminine that they drive out people inclined to the traditional and "manly" ways of doing things. This dichotomous mindset is what I feel I'm called to reconcile, even if it is only in my own little way. To try to "knock things down": barriers and misconceptions of those within and without Catholicism. I dislike all reductionism, and when I see it I tend to react with a correction toward a holistic way of doing things. This also is what I will work at in the night: I will become a watchman. And it may be hell. I don't know at this point, but I'm seeing a lot that needs some help being balanced even at my parish.
Just please pray that I might have strong orthodoxy coupled with respect and tact. If you're cool with it of course.
I will also post a vision I had to cement these things further in consistency, for the sake of my case and your conscience:
I was sitting in a small area in a paradisaical place with Roman architectural features.There was a gate with no impediments in a wall of stone, framed by two columns. I could see no further past and into said gate, but I felt as though I was awaiting an angel to usher me through it. There were beautiful green vines upon the columns and I could see other good plants “out of frame.” To the left and right the area appeared open and outdoors, but I sensed there was a wall behind me. The sunlight was sweet and pure and from the general feel and angle of the lighting it was afternoon and the area and doorway were facing and leading northeast. The air was fresh and crisp as can be. The floor was tiled and like granite: large blue and amber tiles, framed by gray. I was sitting on a backless stone bench, looking slightly uncomfortable and remiss as though I was anticipating a judicial matter I was anxious to get over with. However I simultaneously also felt a sense of burden lifted off my shoulders and refreshment, relief. I thought to myself something similar to “Sigh, I didn't live I very good life, but thankfully it's all over now and now I and I'm free: I can relax. I've been released from the burdens of my life.” I was viewing myself from behind, to my perspective's right-hand: left of center to the doorway, looking right and the bench was off center to the right as at the left to the center of the doorway I sat clothed in the robe of a member of the Order of Friars Minor, gray, with a white cord tied about my waist. The collar of my habit had no special traits as far as I remember. The breast of the robe, at my heart, contained an image of a white, feathery dove shaped as my heart. Out of the dove proceeded an ornate design of golden-olive vines proceeding out upon the torso in all directions but not reaching past the torso. Physically, I was thin and appeared about the age of twenty-three, with a clean haircut in my natural color, brown. My posture had both feet even on the ground, spread out evenly, with back slightly hunched and my face slightly down to the ground with a sober yet anxious, contemplative look on my face. I am not certain as to the shoes I wore, except to assume they were dark brown leather sandals.
I should mention that at the moment this vision came I was despairing over whether I would make it to Heaven or whether I would somehow apostatize. And Catholicism was the last thing on my mind at that moment.
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