A Dream I Had at Least 10 Years Ago

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A Dream I Had at Least 10 Years Ago

Post by lorri on Sat Oct 30, 2010 6:55 pm

Hello. I'm a rather new member to this site. I dream every single night, and from past dreams, I know God speaks to me through dreams. They are almost always about current and personal things, not "prophetic" to the world or others, etc. For example, one night I dreamed I had a baby -- twice. The first baby was delivered by an unknown doctor, and as the baby was came out, though the doctor had his arms out to take the baby, the baby slipped through and instead fell to the ground! I assume it died. Then, at some point during the night, I found myself once again laying on a hospital bed or gurney, legs open, about to deliver a baby. But this time the "doctor" was God. I assume this because He was wearing a white robe with a gold sash and was surrounded by bright light, but I could not see His head or face - it was just a bright light, like a sunburst. He had His arms outstretched to get the baby as it came out, just like the first doctor. But this time when the baby came out, it WAS delivered safely into His hands. So that is how my dreams are, usually - about me and people and circumstances in my own life. And God usually gives me some interpretation of it ... like I eventually understand what God was saying to me.

There is one dream, however, that I never really got the significance of. I have never written about it anywere before, and only have told a few people. I understand the general "concept" of it - that Jesus is our Protector and loves us. But I always wondered if it had any other significance.

This is what I remember of it: I am walking amongst a lot of people, all of some type of Asian nationality. I don't know if I'm in China or Japan, but by their looks, I have always tended to "believe" or "feel" that they were Chinese. I am not sure if it is a small town or village ... it is definitely not a city. The background structures I don't remember - just one-story buildings of some sort. The ground we are all walking around on is all dirt (by that I mean, no cement or asphalt, etc.). I am not sure what is going on, people are just walking around randomly, some possibly "confused." And Some (possibly many, but I can't remember) are "soldiers," because they have some kind of military hats and boots and clothing on, and long guns slung over their shoulders. All I know is, as I am walking about, someone shoots a gun at me. Within a split second, Jesus steps in front of me and takes the bullet, in His shoulder (if my memory serves me correctly, it is His left front shoulder area). I know it is Jesus, because He looks like the pictures I have so often seen of depictions of Jesus - long hair, long white robe-like clothing, and again (as in my dream above), a gold sash. In my dream, I just know that I know that I know it is Jesus who just saved my life. Then He is gone. The next thing I remember is being arrested by some of those soldiers that have been walking around. I have no idea why I am being arrested. They tie me up to a post, because I am going before a firing squad. They ask me if I have any last requests. I remember seeing one of the soldiers smoking a cigarette, and though nothing was actually said, it was like they meant would I like to smoke one last cigarette, or something. But I tell them that my last request is that I would like us all to stand in a circle and hold hands and pray. For some odd reason, they do it. We are all in a circle, holding hands, the soldiers still having their long guns slung over their shoulders, some of them bowing their heads a little. I start praying. I don't know what I was praying at first, but then I started praying for all the soldiers' salvation. My prayer got more and more intense, like it often does when the Holy Spirit starts taking over while you're praying. I am telling God that I love all of them and forgive them for what they are about to do, and I continue to pray in various ways about them "coming to know You as Lord and Savior," and "having their sins forgiven," and "having eternal life with You," etc. Suddenly, one by one they start dropping to their knees and crying. Though I don't hear anything coming out of their mouths verbally, I know that they are being convicted in their hearts, and they are crying because they want to be forgiven, and they are asking Jesus to come into their hearts and be their Savior. I remember those long guns falling off their shoulders as they fall to their knees. Then I also remember seeing Jesus again, this time directly across from me in the circle. I can't remember anymore if He is part of the circle and holding hands with us, or if He is just standing there, just inside the circle.

That is all I remember of the dream. I can tell you that a few years after that dream, something happened to me ... I used to be VERY active as a Christian ... I had been on my church's worship team for 10 years, the intercessory prayer team (where I prayed for people who came for prayer, etc., not a prayer chain). I would have "miraculous" things happen to me because I was so close to God (where, I would pray about things and later find out that something concerning that prayer had happened, and some of them were "spur of the moment" prayers, like God had just prompted me to pray at that moment). There are other things about my life .. I was married to someone who became an alcoholic, and through all my prayers, he did get saved, but was never a real active Christian, and never quit drinking. As a matter of fact, his drinking and behavior got worse, to the point where he was physically abusive. All this while I was in my "tight" relationship with the Lord. I separated for the last time in 2002, and I "knew" it was for the last time. We divorced in 2004, and he died in 2007 at age 39. I had fully forgiven him - I do know that in my heart, and taught our kids to be loving and forgiving, etc. I never went after him for not paying child support, etc. I had totally given my "support" over to the Lord and trusted Him to take care of us (which he always did). But at some point shortly after that last separation in 2002 (within a couple of months), I went into a deep depression. I literally FELT a dark cloud come over me and settle on me. I cried every single day. This went on for months and months and finally, years. I had gone for prayer, soaking prayer, deliverance, everything ... but nothing fully took my depression away. At the time I left my husband, I was actually relieved, because me, my kids and our household were finally at peace (I lived through a little hell for years before that). But little by little, I lost interest in every single thing in my life. I gained weight (just in my stomach) a year or so after the separation, and stopped singing on the worship team because of the searing back pain. Slowly, I stopped attending church at all. And despite the fact that I sang up front every single Sunday, for BOTH the early and the late services, and everyone at church either knew me personally or by seeing me up there singing, only one or two people ever bothered to ask me if I was okay the more I missed church, and it was like no one even noticed I had stopped attending. It's a small church - maybe 150 members, so I didn't "get lost in the crowd" or anything. I stopped being on the prayer team and slowly stopped being the leader of the "family members of addicts" table (an off-shoot of Alcoholics for Christ).

Now, I have no home church at all. I still really have no interests. I am lazy and unmotivated. I still pray to God and still have dreams. Sometimes I start to get a little better, but then I relapse into depression and apathy. I have no friends - my only socialization is at work. I used to be a VERY social person. But people don't know of my depression or how I suffer inside because I function. I still talk and laugh at work, etc. It's not like I walk around all sad and crying. I only cry at night, by myself. I no longer cry every single day. Sometimes I go a few weeks without crying. But I am not my old self anymore. My son lived from age 12 or 13 (my daughter was 15 or 16) with a mother who just laid in her bed all night, every day after work and dinner. I have tried a little bit to find another church, but not very hard. I just don't know where to go. It's hard to start all over and find a new "family" when you had one for 20 years or so before. I feel like a stranger everywhere I go, and never really meet any people who seem all that interested in me, or being "friends" or anything. I know that's hard to do if you only attend a church once or twice. But I just never found any church that I absolutely loved and felt "drawn" to. My old church had gone down a new path, which is one reason I ended up not going back except to visit once in awhile. They made it to be a church for new believers .. you know, trying to use multi-media to "draw" the unchurched in, etc. I just felt like there was no "meat and potatoes" left for us "old timers" who have been in the Lord for years. All the sermons became "milk" for the unchurched and new believers to understand, or not be offended by, or scare them away with too much. There was nothing whatsoever anymore that even remotely resembled "leaving room for the Holy Spirit to move." It felt like nothing was Spirit led anymore. No "deep" worship times ... just 3 songs or so with some people clapping. No raising of your hands and arms ... they didn't SAY don't do that, but I got the message that "if you do that, you'll scare the people away who aren't used to such things." I just feel "lost" now, with no support or fellowship. and worse yet, I don't feel like going out to look for it. I am usually too tired. I just sit home, alone. I have become "complacent" and just don't care anymore. I still love God with all my heart and I still pray, but most of my prayers are begging God to take this away from me and let me feel normal again. Not always, but a lot of the time. i try to "get myself back to normal" on and off ... I try worshipping and adoring instead of crying, and praying for others instead of myself, etc. but I don't do those things every day, like I used to. And now, the years have dragged on, and I can't believe I've been like this for 7 years. I just wonder why God hasn't healed me. I wonder what I did (or didn't do) that I don't deserve God's mercy and grace in this. I always blame myself ... it's probably because I don't try hard enough. I don't ever get mad at God or anything ... I just accept the fact that, like Christians who end up dying of their cancer instead of getting healed, sometimes God doesn't heal us, and I will never know why. But it's not for me to question God. I feel like it's because God wants me to overcome - for ME to do it. But I don't have the energy or motivation to barely clean my house, let alone fix my spiritual, emotional and physical life and body. I can't (and I guess, i don't want to) do it. But there's this other part of me that knows I am sinning by sitting here wasting my life away doing nothing, when i should be out their serving God and helping the world of people He loves.

Sorry, I got off on all that (I really didn't mean to), and the above is not even the WHOLE story of who I used to be (the woman after God's heart who loved and cared about people, and wanted to help the hurting to find God and peace) and what other things I've done in my life, or what has happened, but I just don't know if what has happened to me has anything to do with that dream or not. or if the dream was possibly about something else in the world (because of the Asian people in it). Thank you to anyone who bothered to keep reading this long post, and/or to anyone whom God might have told something about this dream.

lorri
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